memento mori
by Durandall
Summary: You have to enjoy what time you have, because when it's gone ... it's gone.
1. prologue

memento mori

a suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu fanfic

by brian randall

disclaimer: the light novel series begun with 'the melancholy of suzumiya haruhi'/'suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu' is the property of tanigawa nagaru and is used her without permission. no disrespect is meant with the posting of this story.

note: ignores one particular scene in novel 11, and may contain spoilers up to that point. this is a less than happy story, though it will strive to be as uplifting as it can, considering what it's about. hopefully the ending is positive, but it's generally a very sad story, and some of your favorite characters may have to suffer ... because that's the nature of life, isn't it? so make the most of what you've got. what else can you really do?

* * *

It would have been more fitting in some senses if the day in question had started out in some way different from the days that had gone before. If there were ominous clouds, dark music, or other cues to warn of what was to come. There probably were _some_ clues, but that's the power of hindsight for you, isn't it? I saw nothing at the time that gave me adequate warning.

The most pressing issue was nothing but the unwelcome heat of a late spring day as the season turned toward summer. We had the benefit of our summer uniforms, at least, so it wasn't as sweltering as it could have been, but the daily trudge up the hill was guaranteed to raise an unwelcome sweat before reaching the top, regardless of how quickly or slowly one made it.

Even in my favorite season, the heat made me feel lethargic, so I plodded up more slowly than most of my classmates. By the time I reached the shoe locker, all I could really think was how unfortunate it was that our school still lacked air conditioning. The person responsible for such an initiative would receive _my_ vote for Student Council President!

I could easily think of one person who could probably accomplish such a thing, but unfortunately for me, she'd be just as likely to shrug off the effects of the heat without even noticing them.

Sure enough, by the time I finished the long journey to our classroom - among the last to arrive - she was sitting at her desk, eyes flashing as they usually did when she spotted me.

I mentioned that anyone would work up a sweat working their way up the hill? Well, not _everyone_, evidently! How unfair life sometimes seemed.

Haruhi, why couldn't you give me some of your amazing heat-resistance?

"It's not _that_ bad," she chided me, turning to stare out the window. "All you really need to do is move quickly enough that the breeze cools you as you run. Summer's much worse than this."

"What about warming up from exercise?" I wondered.

She shrugged, seemingly indifferent. "I didn't say to push yourself that hard," she clarified.

In itself, that was sort of a marvel, too...

At that point, I had arrived late enough that the teacher stepped into the room next, cutting off further discussion. Would anyone have taken the impression from such a start that it was to be their last day of school? I certainly hadn't. What was to happen was as much an unexpected strike as the Chicxulub asteroid must have been for the dinosaurs of that distant era!

* * *

The rest of the day had passed with the mild and uninteresting sameness as any other day. There were tests coming up soon, which was unfortunate. A more pleasant thought was the summer vacation that was to follow.

Who wouldn't have looked forward to that welcome reprieve from the schedule we had labored under so far, without any significant break beyond Golden Week?

When class ended, Haruhi immediately wheeled on me like an unleashed tiger, and set into another lecture on our schoolwork. Specifically on history. Presumably she had a suspicion that we had an upcoming test for it, but she spent ten minutes drilling the information into me.

Normally, the sense of that word is like a military drill - but with her, it was more like the hand-held kind, boring through even my thick skull and depositing the information there. Haruhi would without a doubt be an effective tutor, but I couldn't help but sigh at the way the students on cleaning duty merely shrugged and rolled their eyes as they worked around us.

Once she was satisfied that I understood which sections to study, we left for the clubroom together. Part of me wondered - Haruhi insisted that this unasked aid was to ensure that I did not fail my classes and jeopardize my role in the club. Was it really that?

Or was it to prevent me any chance of walking in on Asahina-san changing?

I didn't dare ask her!

Thanks to the delay for studying, by the time we reached the clubroom, it was a moot point. Asahina-san was already looking as lovely and angelic as always, wearing the uniform that I had come to associate with her. I knew I would some day come to miss that outfit very much, but for that moment, I was glad to enjoy her radiant visage.

"Ah!" she said, smiling at the pair of us. "Suzumiya-san, Kyon-kun - tea?"

"Of course!" Haruhi said with a firm nod, marching to the computer as I took my usual seat opposite Koizumi.

In preparation for the club session, he had already set up a chessboard. Well, there were worse ways to spend the day, weren't there?

But no sooner had I thought that and taken my seat then Haruhi shook her head firmly. "That's enough of that," she declared, looking around the club room before she had even switched the computer on. "Hmm, I like the fact that we've made this place our own- We've certainly made our mark! But we mustn't let it get too cluttered."

Koizumi raised his eyebrows, while I paused to survey the wealth of furniture that had been assembled as time went on.

Come to think of it, I could remember a time when the room was entirely bare, except for the table, chairs, and empty shelves.

As Haruhi said, the room _was_ completely filled with markers of the memories we had established. Not just things that Haruhi had brought in herself - like the small refrigerator and the tea set - but things that we together have brought in. The pile of laptops, the games Koizumi and I played, Nagato's books, the poster that we'd made for that movie...

"So, a late spring cleaning?" I asked, sighing. So much for a relaxing day!

"Exactly right," Haruhi confirmed, nodding. "Some of those games you don't play anymore, right?"

Well, that much was certainly true. "But didn't we already do this?" I wondered.

"Even so, we have too much clutter," Haruhi insisted, waggling a fingertip. "And Yuki doesn't need _all_ of those books, do you, Yuki?"

Nagato looked up at that, but quickly returned her attention to her book. Haruhi did have a point. There was a small stack of both game boxes and books that had overflowed the space available and onto the floor.

"What is your plan, then?" Koizumi wondered, smiling broadly.

"We'll box up all the books that Yuki doesn't want to keep, and the games no one plays," Haruhi explained authoritatively. "Then we can donate them, instead of just letting them go to waste!"

Donate them? To who? It was nice to see her being thoughtful like that, but was there a real plan?

"If we can't think of any cause worthwhile, we'll just box them up and save them to give away on Christmas," she finished.

Spring cleaning leads to Christmas? Only you, Haruhi...

"Anyway," she added with a scowl, as though able to sense my thoughts, "that's a secondary concern, Kyon. The important thing is that this room _is_ our headquarters! Our _home_! We can't afford to let it get cluttered, can we?"

"Alright," I sighed. Cleaning the clubroom wasn't the worst possible fate.

Clapping her hands together, she declared, "Then get to it! Yuki, you too - I'll get a box and be right back!"

With that, she cheerfully stormed out the door at high speed.

Koizumi shrugged with his normal easy-going smile and turned to study the amassed games. "We have collected rather a lot, haven't we?" he mused.

Yuki quietly closed her book and rose from her seat. After placing the book carefully on her chair she turned to her selection of titles adjoining the game library.

I had an impression that she wouldn't enjoy going through and choosing which to discard any more than I would!

"But ... what should I do?" Asahina-san wondered quietly, setting the tea she had offered us earlier on the table. That poor upperclassman looked mildly forlorn at the cup that Haruhi hadn't even stuck around to accept.

"Maybe you should just relax?" I suggested, shrugging. "You've worked hard enough for us in the past already, so why not take a break?"

"So, we may as well get to work, then," Koizumi added, pulling a game I could distantly remember playing only one time against him from the shelf.

While I'd rather have relaxed like I just told Asahina-san _she_ should, the only excuse I thought Haruhi would allow was ignoring that chore to study for the upcoming history test. Sighing, I climbed to my feet tiredly and bent to the task at hand.

* * *

Under Haruhi's direction, we managed to cull both books _and_ games. Asahina-san was given a well deserved break - but being too nervous to just sit and watch us work, Haruhi produced a feather duster and had her clean the shelves underneath the game boxes and books.

Asahina-san dusting the shelves with her cute earnest expression of concentration made the effort worth it, incidentally!

Once we were done, Haruhi eyed the single stuffed box and nodded in satisfaction. "Okay!" she declared. "Everyone else is dismissed! Kyon, you'll carry these for me."

"How did this suddenly happen?" I wondered.

"You have to contribute, too," she chastised me, as though I hadn't helped pull boxes from the collection already. "Good job, everyone - Kyon, grab that box and let's go!"

I sighed, shaking my head, but rose and lifted the box. For a single moment as I lifted it, my vision darkened and I felt unsteady.

I caught my balance and righted myself quickly enough, dismissing it as a side-effect of being stationary too long. Perhaps Haruhi had a point about being me being too sedentary?

I didn't give it any more thought, just plodding after Haruhi and grimacing at the way my collar stuck to my neck. Carrying such a burden in this heat was unpleasant enough...

Observing my toils, Haruhi merely clicked her tongue, holding the door for me. "I should make you run laps," she remarked, frowning. "As it is, I wonder if you'd even pass the Brigade physical fitness test!"

If it involved competing against Haruhi, no human would!

"You were allowed to skip it, but if we are to add new members, it will be required," she said authoritatively, falling into step at my side.

And a scholastic requirement, as well, I was sure.

"Of course! The best and the brightest, and the most fit as well," Haruhi expanded, nodding. "Everyone has to have _some_ special strength to make them worthwhile members!"

Some, or all of them? Did Haruhi really think everyone could start with full stats in everything?

Anyway, if everyone had only 'some' special strength, then what was mine?

I knew better than to ask, so just nodded, setting down the box to put on my shoes. It wasn't as heavy as some loads I had carried, but I wasn't looking forward to hauling it around for an extended period. I loosened my tie in anticipation of sweating even further while changing shoes.

When I lifted the box again, I hear a distant roar in my ears as my vision inexplicably dimmed - my balance veered, and I stumbled, managing to catch myself, but stepping onto the wooden walkway in my outdoor shoes in the process. After blinking, my vision returned to normal and the rushing sound faded.

Haruhi gave me a strange look for a moment, still bent over from where she was tugging her second shoe into place, and I tried to shrug as well as I could while carrying the box. Pursing her lips, she gave a small shake of her head and finished, holding the next door and watching me closely.

"Anyway," she continued, looking up into the afternoon sky, "let's take care of this errand. If you do a good job, you will be rewarded!"

"I'm not sure I've seen that to be true so far," I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"That's because you don't put in enough effort," Haruhi reprimanded me, lowering her gaze to fix me with a stern scowl. "Now let's hurry!"

"Where are we even going?" I asked, hitching the box in my arms slightly higher when it started to slip as we passed through the gate.

"The shopping center by Kouyouen Station has a donation center," she explained patiently. "Whatever they don't accept you will take home and store until later."

"So I'm to provide storage for this stuff?" The burden in my arms had become even more so!

"Naturally!" came the immediate, completely unhesitant response.

I sighed again, trudging after Haruhi as the sun beat the sweat from my suffering form.

The heat and Haruhi's lecture on why it was my responsibility seemed to put me into a mindless daze, mumbling vague confirmations at the appropriate points in her lecture as we plodded down the hill.

I lost awareness of our surroundings, just focusing on following her and wondering when I could escape the heat. If I were to be rewarded somehow, I'd have settled for a cool drink in an air conditioned cafe! If that was too much, perhaps merely something in the shade?

"Kyon!" Haruhi called. "Kyon!"

For some reason, as she cried out, the world around me was tilting crazily; game tokens and instruction booklets were flying across my field of vision, and through them the world was rotating steadily. My senses told me that gravity itself had shifted, somehow oriented at some point on the horizon as that earlier rushing roar returned, drowning out Haruhi's voice. The pavement of the sidewalk began to vanish behind a dark curtain that consumed my vision even as it rushed up to greet me.

My awareness was entirely gone before I hit the ground.


	2. chapter one

memento mori

a suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu fanfic

by brian randall

disclaimer: the light novel series begun with 'the melancholy of suzumiya haruhi'/'suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu' is the property of tanigawa nagaru and is used here without permission. no disrespect is meant with the posting of this story.

note: ignores one particular scene in novel 11, and may contain spoilers up to that point. this is a less than happy story, though it will strive to be as uplifting as it can, considering what it's about. hopefully the ending is positive, but it's generally a very sad story, and some of your favorite characters may have to suffer ... because that's the nature of life, isn't it? so make the most of what you've got. what else can you really do?

* * *

To me, it seemed to have direct immediacy. It was very like a film splice, the scene abruptly changing. What director was responsible for this?

I had no idea who, but in my opinion they were doing a poor job! _This_ audience couldn't follow the story at all!

One moment the world around me was tumbling apart, and the next I was blinking and staring up at the overhead lights and laying in a bed. How had that happened? Where was the sensible transition? That was the point where someone would demand their money back, wasn't it? I certainly wanted to be reimbursed!

...but this wasn't the first time this had happened to me, was it? "What..." I managed, grimacing at how my voice was slurred.

Almost immediately, Haruhi's anxious expression filled my field of vision, a hand pressing against my chest and restraining me as I tried to sit up.

"You're awake!" she exclaimed, her face still carrying that same unfamiliar look. "You- How do you feel?"

How _did_ I feel? Off balance, for one. Not in the sense that I was having a hard time understanding what was going on, but more like I felt tilted to one side. I tried to right myself, but Haruhi frowned sternly, her small hands against me holding me firmly in place.

"Dizzy," I answered. My tongue felt thick and unresponsive, keeping my voice a mumbled slur. "What ... happened?"

Haruhi sagged in response, looking away, though she continued holding me in place. "Don't try and move," she instructed, finally releasing me, and moving out of my field vision. I tried to turn my head to follow her, but when I did, it felt like a giant had seized the room and begun to tilt it wildly - was this how an ant might feel when someone shook the ant-farm?

One of Haruhi's hands returned to push me firmly back into place as the bed rocketed upward beneath me, launching me upward at a few thousand kilometers per hour. Impossibly, the ceiling didn't zoom toward me, so the entire hospital must have been launching into space. Only, after I had a few heartbeats to adjust, I realized that according to my _vision_ the bed was tilting upward at a reasonable, sedate pace.

There was something else going on, too. I could hear a hushed mechanical sound - the mechanism that moved the bed - but it was imbalanced. For whatever reason, it was only on one side of me. When it finally stopped, I heard Haruhi heave a hushed sigh.

From this new position, sitting upright (tumbling forward, according to my traitorous inner ear), I could see that it was growing dark outside. I was in a familiar enough room ... the same one I had woken up in the last time something like this had happened, at a glance.

I was curious and almost wanted to lean over to see if the same sleeping bag were beside the bed again, but with Haruhi standing beside me and keeping one hand on me to pin me in place, that wasn't going to happen.

"What do you remember?" she asked anxiously.

"Walking to the donation center?" I answered, turning to look at her - and then stopping, when the motion made me feel like I was spinning wildly through the atmosphere. She twisted around, not letting go as she hopped onto the side of the bed to enter my field of vision. "I guess I ... fell over?"

She scowled, nodding. "You did," she agreed. "We were walking together and you suddenly collapsed and began seizing. I thought it was heatstroke, maybe. Someone must have seen and called an ambulance- Do you have any idea how _worried_ I was?" Her expression darkened, giving me an angry scowl. "You can't scare me like that, you understand? It's forbidden! This is why I complain about your constitution!"

"But- But what happened?" I asked again, trying to shake my head, but giving up immediately at the mad sensation of tumbling.

"They're still running tests," she answered unhappily. "You're fine, though, right?"

"How long was I out?"

She pursed her lips and shook her head. "Just a few hours - but that's a few hours too _many_!" she grumbled, looking quickly toward the door, hopping from the bed as the door opened.

At that point, I didn't trust myself to turn, so remained in place as a doctor moved to the foot of my bed. He wasn't familiar, but looked fairly young.

"Hello, there!" he said in a cheerful voice, giving me a warm smile. "Good to see you're back with us!"

"What happened?" I asked, suspecting I was going to be asking that question rather a lot.

"Hopefully we can find that out soon," he replied, hefting a clipboard. He glanced to one side, nodding at Haruhi, and then ran through a long series of questions. What had I eaten recently. Did I recall any unusual events lately. Had I felt more tired than usual.

I answered them all, thinking of the darkness and rushing sound I had experienced, and explaining the strange sensation of falling. He frowned at that, nodding, then did some simple tests. Could my eyes follow a pen light? Could I remember basic facts like my name, date of birth, and home address? How well did I remember events from my childhood?

From the bed, I tried some basic coordination tests as well - things I could do with my hands. I felt much clumsier than I thought I should be. After those, he moved my arms so my hands could grip the hospital bed's handrails and I tried to sit up-

It was harder than I thought it should be. It wasn't _tiring_, but I felt that I should be tumbling to one side the entire time, and my inner-ear refused to cooperate and be sensible. Turning my head while sitting up made it even worse! There were a handful of other tests, and at the end, his bright smile had faded to a tight, concerned line.

Finally, I settled back to the bed, keeping my eyes open to try and fight off the sensation of falling.

"Okay," he sighed, shaking his head slowly. "We're going to need to wait on the results to know for certain. Your symptoms aren't terribly different from a stroke, but I have a hard time thinking that could happen to someone your age. However, you _do_ seem to have lost some functionality in the area of your right ear, which is why your sense of balance seems off. That's the cause for your balance and hearing issues."

"I could hear fine this morning!" I protested, confused. What was going on?

"These effects could be temporary, but unfortunately, we don't have enough information to be entirely certain. You were in here for falling a few months ago, weren't you? Was that due to a sudden loss of balance like this one?"

I could hardly tell him what really happened there! "I ... don't remember what led up to that, just waking up in the hospital," I answered.

"It could be some late residual effect from that," he said, spreading his hands in a shrug. "While you were still unconscious last time, we did an MRI. I'll see about pulling up those records, though we'll probably give you another to compare results."

Really? That sounded pretty intense!

"So he can't go home?" Haruhi asked anxiously.

"Not yet," the doctor agreed, shaking his head at the Brigade chief. "Until his sense of balance works itself out, he's going to have very limited mobility anyway. Falls can be especially dangerous for patients with neurological conditions, which may be what we're looking at here. For tonight at the very least your friend is going to need to stay in observation."

"Do my parents know?" I had to wonder.

The doctor looked uncertain, but Haruhi answered, "Of course! I called them the moment you were brought in for your initial examination!"

"So ... now what?" I asked uncertainly.

"For now, we're going to have to wait," he said apologetically, shaking his head. "Still - with any luck you'll be on your feet and right as rain in a day or two! In the meantime, try to get some rest, and we'll have some more test results to go over in the morning."

"It will have to be forgiven, then," Haruhi sighed, looking uncomfortable.

"Kyon-kun!" my sister exclaimed, startling me enough to turn my head.

I nearly flailed myself out of bed at the falling sensation, Haruhi leaping forward to hold me in place, eyes widening in alarm.

"H...hey," I managed a moment later, as my family burst in, little sister first.

"I- I'll be back tomorrow," Haruhi declared, frowning. I could tell she wasn't happy about things, but she still wanted to give me some time alone with my parents. "I'll bring your assignments then, so rest and get well, alright?"

"Okay," I agreed, as my parents rushed to my bedside.

If it had only been so simple...

* * *

It wasn't the first time I had spent the night in the hospital, though last time I was perfectly fine, and able to walk around. At least, that much was true for everything I remembered.

This time, I was confined to my bed, though trying to turn my head while visiting with my parents and sister had helped me adjust to the dizziness a little bit. The doctor said that he couldn't promise it would improve until he understood what was going on better, but that I would probably acclimate as long as the condition didn't worsen.

That was not the most promising thing someone could hear.

After that I was left alone to rest.

I was woken far too early by a nurse. She wasn't anyone I had met before, and wasn't as endearing as Asahina-san in her nurse outfit, but she gave me a bright smile anyway. "You slept in quite a bit!" she remarked, raising the bed for me as Haruhi had the previous day, then setting a tray in front of me.

"I did?" I wondered, raising a hand to my face and rubbing at my eyes. The tray before me contained a bowl of porridge, which I wasn't thrilled about, two slices of toast, a cup of orange juice, and a cup of water.

I couldn't see a clock, so I decided to take her word for it, helping myself to the toast. "Now, we've got a lot of tests scheduled for you today, so eat up!"

"What tests?" I wondered. So much for getting out of school!

Bustling to the window and opening the blinds, she let the late morning sun burst in. How long _had_ I slept? I still felt tired!

Both tired and restless, actually. I must have just overslept. "Some coordination and reflex tests, then we're going to take a measure of your hearing loss," she explained, not speaking until she's on my left side. That's thoughtful of her. "After that, the doctor said that based on blood tests, they want to run another MRI on you."

Oh, boy. I didn't remember the last one - that could be a story Haruhi would like to hear! "Be sure to take pictures of any gestating aliens you find," I remarked around my toast, prompting the nurse to chuckle.

"That's the spirit!" she encouraged me. "I'll be back in ten minutes to check up on you, and then we'll get you started, alright?"

I didn't feel hungry, but I finished the meal in front of me anyway. The process of eating toast or spooning up porridge is pretty simple, but much to my irritation, my hands were not as steady as I felt they should be, and I dropped a piece of toast on the bedding. I made myself finish it, thinking of the dinner I'd missed the previous night.

Not long after I was done, the nurse returned, humming and pushing a wheelchair in ahead of her.

I ... was not particularly thrilled to see it.

On seeing my face, she shook her head gently and explained, "Just a precaution until we know more. Come on, now!"

Even if I had adjusted, when I tried to climb to my feet, I found I was far less steady than I had expected- I halfway collapsed into the chair, at the end, but the nurse remained cheerful and upbeat. After that, she wheeled me down the hall and into an elevator. In short order, I was put into a booth and given headphones.

The test was fairly straightforward - press a button when I heard a tone. There was nothing to look at to distract me from focusing on the sound - just the white walls of the booth and a small shelf that the button rested on. I could tell that something was off from the very start, though. Surely they would have checked the equipment, right?

It was a hospital, where a degree of precision is expected that's not far off from high-tech science labs! So I doubted the headphone was broken, but I never heard anything in my right ear.

After twenty minutes, the nurse returned, taking the headphones off. Her lips were pursed together, but she managed a smile anyway. "Now for some coordination testing! This might be fun!" she said encouragingly.

It was hard to be optimistic when someone else had to wheel me through the halls. I tried to look dignified, but couldn't keep myself from gripping the arms of my chair thanks to my poor sense balance.

The next room I was wheeled to made me blink. It looked to my eyes like a sort of strange gymnasium, where all of the equipment had extra hand rails, support straps, or other aids to use them. Weaving between a treadmill with a pair of arm supports, and a machine I couldn't identify, the nurse and I stopped at a low table covered with a variety of what looked to me like brightly colored children's toys.

Blocks, boards with holes matching the shapes of the blocks, and more complex versions of the same things. Piles of small puzzles where the goal is to assemble some shape- None of them looked _mentally_ challenging.

"What's this for?" I had to wonder. Whatever else this room was for - and it had enough equipment for a good dozen people to fit comfortably - it was just us for the moment.

"Physical coordination," the nurse explained. "You're having trouble balancing, right?"

I had to agree, though I didn't nod.

"Well," the same doctor from the previous night said, surprising me as he stepped around to where I could see him, "we want to see how far that goes, and check your reflexes out. After this will be the really fun test - the MRI!"

I did manage a very small nod for this, though it was still throwing me off a little to try it. From there, I spent probably a good hour and a half moving objects and attempting simple tasks, like stacking things. That wasn't very hard, but my coordination had dropped - throwing a ball a short distance at a target was more difficult than I thought it should have been. I was never a star athlete, but my performance had become truly abysmal!

That fortunately ended, the nurse vanishing somewhere as the doctor himself wheeled me out and to an exam room. Embarrassingly enough, I needed help getting up onto the exam table, but after that, the doctor tapped my knees and elbows with a wedge-shaped rubber mallet, shined a light in my eyes again, and scribbled down copious notes.

"Any ideas?" I asked, once it was time to laboriously climb back down into the wheelchair.

It was clear enough I'd gone deaf in one ear. Beyond that, it had seemed that my reflexes and coordination were worse, too.

"There are a few possibilities," the doctor said thoughtfully, not meeting my gaze. "We should be getting the lab results back later today, but the preliminary screens seem positive."

"What's the MRI for?"

I had an inkling of what that meant - it was a heavy duty piece of equipment, after all. But what did they expect to find?

"We're going to scan for likely culprits," the doctor explained, sighing, eyes dropping to the floor. "Possibly a clot, or evidence of an intracranial hematoma."

I wasn't a doctor myself, but I could guess. "Brain damage?" I asked in disbelief.

How would that happen, anyway?

"We'll find out," he said. "However, you're cognizant right now- I would expect with most very serious conditions that you'd still be unconscious. So there's no reason to worry too much right now!"

That's the kind of thing that makes you worry even more!

* * *

After a break to eat another hospital meal, I was brought to the MRI. If you've never seen one before, then you haven't watched enough science fiction. This was exactly the machine that you would see in a horror movie about an alien that gestates inside another person, or a drama about someone with a terminal condition.

What a chilling thought that was!

The apparatus itself was massive, filling most of a room. There were a pair of technicians in addition to the doctor, and they loaded me up onto an automated plastic stretcher, wearing only a hospital gown. A band was placed around my head, which one of the technicians explained was actually an antenna, to help focus the machine.

After that, what seemed very scary and exciting ... actually turned out to be one of the more boring experiences of my life. The machine moved me forward and back, presumably taking cross-section snapshots of the magnetic resonance inside my body.

It took nearly an hour before they determined enough was enough and I was released to the chair, and then wheeled back to the bed I had started out in.

You would have thought that would be the end of it, wouldn't you?

The testing didn't stop, though. Once I was comfortable, another doctor - this one a woman who looked slightly younger than the nurse from earlier - greeted me and told me three words words.

Pentagon, boat, house.

Three simple words, right?

After that, a series of questions followed - history, math, directions around town... I couldn't follow what it was all even trying to figure out!

The sizable pad of paper on the doctor's clipboard slowly filled up with her notes. At the very end, when she licked her fingertips and turned the pages back to the front, she paused, seeming to think of something. "Kyon-kun," she asked me, sounding like my mother when she wanted a reminder, "could you repeat the three words I told you when we met earlier?"

Pentacle, boat, home.

Was that a test, too?

She nodded, jotting down another note, then gave me a smile and told me to rest before she left.

For all of that testing, I was wondering when the results would come. More importantly, I wanted to have a diagnosis of what was going on!

When _that_ finally wrapped up, making me wish there _was_ a clock in the room, I was ready to eagerly welcome the next nurse through the door!

This was the cutest nurse I've ever seen, after all - an angel who attended the same school as me, blushing brightly and goaded along by a proud Haruhi. Waggling a fingertip at me as the rest of the club trooped in behind her, Haruhi declared, "If you wanted Mikuru-chan to wear her nurse outfit, you didn't have to go _this_ far, Kyon!"

I couldn't help but grin like an idiot at the pleasantly embarrassed girl in the nurse costume. She'd become a lot more comfortable in costumes though, hadn't she? Or, could it be...

"Haruhi, did you make Asahina-san march all the way here in costume?" I asked.

"Oh, you'd love that!" Haruhi retorted, shaking her head sharply. "Of course not - she changed here. Now, we've brought your assignments, so thanks to you being here we have to focus on that before we can get to the club meeting! I swear, Kyon, you will owe me _such_ a penalty once you get out of here!"

As if there wasn't enough bad about being here in the first place!

Nodding to herself, Haruhi pulled a chair close to my bed as the others made themselves comfortable- A private room in the hospital... Would that put me in Koizumi's debt again, as well? "But before we begin," she added, setting books on the tray that my meals were served on, "have they determined what's going on, yet?"

"Nothing yet," I sighed. I turned slowly to look at her, which let me overcome the dizziness a bit. "They took an MRI, though."

"Ooh!" Haruhi exclaimed, eyes widening. I could see a hint of both excitement and worry. "What was it like?"

"Well..." I decided telling her it was surprisingly boring wouldn't satisfy her much, so focused on the other parts of the experience instead.

"That sounds scary!" Asahina-san commented, when I finished.

Nagato stared quietly, unblinking. Koizumi looked mildly troubled, but nodded his agreement.

"Well, they're not going to find anything to worry about," Haruhi said, though lacking her usual conviction.

I nodded, though it took some effort. She was probably right; after all, with Nagato there, what did I really have to worry about?

"Now, on to your studies, Kyon!"

That, I supposed!

* * *

The tedium of study was actually not unwelcome, once we were done. It was comforting in some ways, being able to do something so mundane in the situation I was in. I still couldn't be _that_ worried about things. In a way, wasn't the entire thing just another adventure?

Not that I was complaining, but I'd had enough of those! I hoped it would wrap up soon enough!

After our homework was done, Asahina-san smiled warmly and handed me a thermos of tea she had made earlier, and Haruhi sternly ordered me to get better again. From there my parents arrived, so Haruhi had the Brigade retreat to give us more privacy.

There still wasn't any prognosis, but my mother had brought the book that Yuki had loaned me to read, so I'd have something 'better to do than watch television all day.'

Not long after my family left, I ended up falling asleep again.

In a repeat of the previous day, the same nurse woke me and greeted me with a remarkably similar breakfast. I suppose their food was meant to encourage me to recover and get out of the hospital faster!

From there, a lot of tiring repeats of, the previous day's tests, except for the one for hearing.

"Am I in a time loop?" I wondered.

"Getting a sense of familiarity?" the doctor taking notes on my coordination asked. "We just want to be very sure of our results."

I still wondered what it meant, but it became _especially_ worrisome to realize that I was being wheeled to the room with the massive MRI system again. "Something ... wrong with the last readings?" I wondered, as I was loaded into the machine again.

"We need to be very sure," the doctor said seriously, as one of the technicians put the same band about my head again.

_That_ was a worrisome thing to hear! "What did you find, then?"

He smiled and shook his head, though the smile was troubled, more than reassuring. "Hopefully nothing," he answered, "so we're going to fine tune the machine this time and try and take a closer look."

...I couldn't help but be very worried about it this time.

Thanks to that concern, the process was much more worrisome than boring. The scans seemed to be centered on my head and upper torso, this time around, and also ran over an hour.

"Alright," the doctor said, once I was back in the wheelchair. "I'm going to run some comparisons between this and yesterday's scan, and the one from a few months back. In the meantime, keep positive!"

How was I supposed to do that?

After being returned to my room - this time more anxious than the last - I was a bit surprised to see the same female doctor there again. But perhaps I shouldn't have been.

"Hello!" she said, giving me a warm smile. "How are you feeling today, Kyon?"

A bit annoyed that my nickname was still being used, even here. "I'm alright. Just a bit scared of all the tests."

"That's understandable," she said sympathetically, as I settled into the bed. The male doctor nodded and marched off.

"Do you remember those three words, by chance?" she asked.

What was the point of that question?

Pinnacle ... something I couldn't remember ... and home run?

She nodded at that, giving me another smile. "Okay! Today, I'm going to tell you, 'ball, water, jacket.'"

I'd be sure to remember those for the end of the test, then!

Most of the questions she asked next were the same ones as the previous day, but not so similar I got bored. Finally, she finished, asking the final question, where I was supposed to repeat those three words again.

Bell, water, jacket.

Does knowing the importance of remembering those words change the results? What was it even a test _for_?

"What- What are these tests trying to figure out?" I asked, before she could leave.

She paused, then put her hands at her side, for the first time not consulting her clipboard while talking to me.

"We're trying to determine if you're suffering from some form of nerve damage," she explained gently. "And if it does exist, how severe it might be."

So ... that worrisome 'brain damage' idea again...

I wasn't sure what to say - but when I started to _really_ worry ... I remembered Nagato again. I would be okay, wouldn't I?

Cheered by that thought, I kept my spirits up after all.

If all of these doctors and technology weren't enough to make me better, undoubtedly there was a force that could set me back on my feet!

And like a blazing torch of confidence, Haruhi returned, the entire brigade in tow once more. Asahina-san was once again as cute as a button in her nurse outfit. "Feeling better?" Haruhi demanded cheerfully, instead of greeting me like a proper person.

"I am now," I agreed, smiling back at her.

Haruhi herself can look surprisingly pleasant when she's off balance, and that seemed to have done it!

"Yeah, you're milking this for all it's worth," she scoffed, grinning. "You're going to be doing _so_ much makeup work for the Brigade this summer!"

"I'll look forward to that," I answered dryly, still unable to keep my speech from slurring slightly.

"Ah, you- You'll get better though, Kyon-kun?" Asahina-san asked anxiously, pressing her hands together, face flushing crimson when a pair of the hospital's actual nurses peeked in to examine her costume, then walked away chuckling.

"Of course he will," Haruhi said resolutely. "The only reason it's taking so long is because they don't know what's wrong yet."

My confidence was buoyed by that, but if Haruhi was so sure that I'd get better, then even if it weren't for Nagato's protection, wasn't it certain I'd recover?

"Alright - enough chatter," Haruhi declared. "You're missing important classes, so let's make sure you're still ready to return to school!"

"No rest for the wicked," I sighed, shaking my head faintly.

"Luckily, tomorrow is Saturday, so we can actually do some Brigade activities instead of just studying!" Haruhi added. "So look forward to that!"

Despite everything, I actually _did_ look forward to it.

* * *

The next morning began like the others, with a familiar unappetizing breakfast. I ate it systematically as always, and prepared for another day of very tiring testing. What actually happened is that my family came to visit me - little sister once again charging to the side of the bed and reaching up to give me a hug.

...I supposed, in that situation, that I could finally see why everyone else claimed she was so adorable.

More importantly to me, the doctor that had done most of the tests and the morning nurse came in with him. This time, the doctor was not smiling at all- The nurse was trying, but it wasn't a real smile by any stretch.

"Hey, Imouto," she called, crouching low to be of height with my sister. "Would you like to come with me to get some juice? We can bring something back for your brother to drink!"

My mother looked concerned by this, but let my sister be led away, while my father frowned.

Once the nurse and my eternally cheerful sister were gone, the doctor coughed quietly and closed the door.

He apologetically suggested that my parents should be seated, and I felt a nervous and sick chill run from my stomach and up my spine. This wasn't good! Judging by their expressions, my parents didn't think so either.

"Kyon-kun," he said slowly, not meeting my eyes. "This is a ... very unique case. There's a chance that our prognosis is wrong, but I have consulted with my colleagues, and we believe we've determined your neural disorder."

"Disorder?" my mother asked sharply.

The doctor nodded unhappily, and went to the wall near the foot of my bed, where a chart could be hung easily. The image was a jumble of colors and nonsense patterns. My parents seemed to take the same meaning from it that I did.

After a moment, the doctor explained that it was an MRI from when I 'fell', that issue some months ago. More specifically, it was a cross-section of my own brain. "Note these faint shadows here," he said, indicating something that I couldn't identify in the least.

He then added another chart, this one noticeably darker in places.

"This is another scan - from the day before yesterday," he added. "The increased shadow density is a region of dysmyelination."

"What?" I asked at the same time as my parents.

Adding the third chart, which was _alarmingly_ darker, the doctor explained, "This chart shows more detail. To begin with, how familiar are you with the structure of a nerve?"

Well, I could name all of the parts well enough from classes, but I would rather let the doctor explain it again to ensure I got it right!

The doctor gave a wan smile and shrugged, explaining, "Nerve cells are sheathed in a protective insulating jacket named myelin. This jacket insulates electrical impulses within the nerve, keeping them from leaking out."

"What ... does that have to do with anything?" my father wondered, frowning.

My mother seemed to grasp something, and looked alarmed. "_Dys_myelination?" she asked, gripping the hand-rests of her seat to remain steady. "So, what's happening?"

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, the doctor continued, "Kyon-kun has an abnormally high white blood cell count, and at the moment, we believe..." He trailed off then turned to face me. If I weren't sitting up in a bed, I'd have fallen over! "You appear to be suffering from an auto-immune disorder. Your immune system is destroying your myelin, causing neural damage."

"From what?" I had to ask. "How did this start?"

"Is it because of his fall last Winter?" my father asked.

Sighing, the doctor shook his head unhappily. "I'm sorry to say, but the issue is genetic. While Kyon-kun's immune system started recently becoming much more aggressive, from what we can tell this is a pre-existing condition, likely going back all the way to the onset of puberty," he said levelly.

"O-okay," my mother said unhappily. "How can we treat it?"

The doctor's expression told us before he answered. "We can provide an injection that should hopefully slow the process down," he explained uneasily. "The degeneration is _extremely_ aggressive. The ... positives are that right now, the main areas affected are those that govern the extremities. Kyon-kun's memory doesn't appear to be affected yet, nor his cognitive abilities."

"How - how long until he's better?" my father asked.

The doctor sighed again, dropping his gaze to his feet. "I'm ... not sure how else to say this. We don't have a treatment, and the prognosis is ... grim. We don't have an operation or medication to treat this - the source is the immune system itself. There is no particular treatment specified for this situation, as the disorder is very poorly understood at this point."

My parents were justifiably stunned to hear this. I wanted to shake and scream, myself! I've been _stabbed_, and while it hurt - it hurt an awful lot! - it was less scary than this!

"If- So ... how long, then?" I asked, surprising myself with how easily I managed to spit the question out.

The doctor's gaze turned toward the window. "I'm ... hesitant to guess, but I know how important an answer is to you. And that's going to be ... a week," he answered. "At that point, the dysmyelination will reach the adrenal medulla, the vagus nerve..." He trailed off and gave a short shake of his head. "Your heart will continue to beat, but the portion of your brain responsible for controlling your breathing will shut down, and from there it will spread.

"Loss of sensation, cognitive ability, and memory will degrade. Essentially, your immune system will proceed to shut your entire brain down, piece-by-piece, even though you will continue to be otherwise physically healthy."

My mother started to cry. My father's knuckles turned white as he gripped the armrests of his chair.

"I'm... I'm dying?" I realized in shock.

The doctor nodded solemnly at this. "Now- Now, I did mention an IV drip. What I would like to do is provide an immunoglobulin injection. This should contain antibodies that will slow the immune system's attack on the brain down. If we're very lucky, it will completely arrest the condition."

"Kyon-kun can be saved?" my mother asked sharply, her voice shrill and unsteady.

He winced, as my father glared in expectation.

"It _might_," the doctor stressed cautiously. "With luck. If not, it should at least slow things down."

"Then do it!" my mother snapped. "Immediately!"

The doctor nodded, moving to the door, but returning almost without hesitation. The large bag of fluid and the stand in his hand reminded me of things I'd seen in any number of medical dramas, and even video games. Another unfamiliar nurse was with him, and between them they stuck a needle into my arm, securing it with medical tape.

It took them less than five minutes to have everything set up and connected to me, letting ... whatever it was in the bag slowly drain into me. I shivered, but otherwise held still for the process.

You would have, too, if you were told it could save your life!

After that was done, while my parents were still seated, the nurse silently excused herself. "I ... apologize for this," the doctor said, "but I have to warn you that we cannot guarantee any improvement. Kyon-kun's condition may still worsen despite the treatment."

My mother sniffled, shaking her head furiously.

Coughing, the doctor bowed his head again. "I'll ... give you some time alone," he concluded, pulling down his charts and tucking them back into the folder they had come from. My parents were silent until he left the room, before my mother burst into tears again.

That was a hell of a thing to take in! I'd heard some things in my life that were hard to accept- The existence of aliens, time travelers, and espers, the fact that a certain Brigade chief had the power to warp reality. Data entities, closed spaces, alternate realities.

This, though...

I had no idea what to say. I felt numb and more than a bit shocked about the whole thing.

Before, I had thought that with Nagato's help...

That thought helped me keep from panicking. Of course- This _had_ to be someone messing with the Brigade. I didn't have the special defenses that everyone else did. Some faction or force out there had targeted me, the weak link.

I was, after all, just a normal person! Why wouldn't they try to attack me in such a way to get to my friends? Some strange condition that I'd never even _heard_ of, coming out of nowhere to kill me within a week or two?

Able to calm myself with that thought, I offered a smile to my parents. "It's too early to give up hope," I said, shaking my head slowly. "This started abruptly, and it's strange, but it could go away as suddenly as it came up!"

And with the help of the others, it would, right?

No enemy of the Brigade was going to take me down so easily!

...there was a nagging thought that I was overlooking something, but I dismissed it.

My mother sniffed at that, struggling to put on a brave face as my father scowled to hide his worry. "That's right," he said gruffly. "We have to keep a positive attitude, don't we?"

"R...right," my mother answered shakily.

"Now, we have to put on brave faces for Imouto, don't we?" I added.

"Y...yes, of course," my mother agreed, sniffling again as she rubbed at her eyes. "You're right, Kyon-kun. I- I'm so proud of _you_ for being so brave about this!"

Well ... my reasons for being able to handle it weren't something I could explain. With the friends and allies I had, though, such a condition would be trivial to resolve. Nagato could do anything, after all!

Haruhi had promised that she would return later, and if there was one thing I could count on, it was that she would keep her word! With the rest of the Brigade at her side, how hard would it be to get a word alone with Nagato to find out more?

"Um, my friends from school planned on visiting today," I said thoughtfully.

"School?" my father barked, before managing a pained smile. "Of course, of course," he agreed, rubbing at his eyes. "So, 'business as usual', is it?"

I slowly nodded, still unbalanced by that inner ear problem.

"Alright," he said, shaking his head. "In that case, you won't mind your sister visiting with your friends, will you?"

My mother nodded, her eyes glistening. No man who can consider himself worthy of the label could ignore a request from parents in such a state. "Of course not," I agreed.

* * *

My parents had intended to stay with me until Haruhi and the others arrived. What we hadn't realized was that Haruhi was already _there_, fuming at being turned away until my parents gave their approval. This meant after having enough time to calm their nerves - my mother drying her tears, and my father cleaning dust from his eyes - they finally opened the door.

Very shortly after that, Haruhi stormed through. Her irritation was as visible on her face as warpaint, but vanished the moment she realized my parents were still with me. She froze in the doorway, uncertain how to proceed, but before anyone else could say anything, my younger sister latched onto her with an excitable cheer of, "Haru-nee!"

"Ah," Haruhi managed, the rest of the Brigade crowded behind her. "Um! Imouto, it's good to see you again! How ... is everyone?"

Her eyes went to the stand at my side, and the drop connected to my arm still.

"We'll leave you be for a bit," my mother said hurriedly. "Imouto-chan is visiting Kyon, but we'll be back later."

"You can trust us with her!" Haruhi said with conviction, moving to one side to make room for my parents, and pulling my sister with her. "And naturally, we'll take care of Kyon as well!"

"Good!" my mother agreed, her eyes already shining. She bit her lip as my father took her elbow, giving a gruff nod before they left, letting the rest of the Brigade in.

Once they were gone, Haruhi sighed explosively, eying the stand again before her gaze tracked to my sister.

"I brought milk for Kyon-kun!" my sister said happily, letting go of Haruhi to zip to my side and offer it up. She blinked at the stand and the drip, her eyes widening. "Is that medicine to make you better?"

"Yeah," I answered, giving another of the slow nods I was starting to become accustomed to.

"So they know what's going on?" Haruhi asked anxiously, frowning and giving Koizumi a stern glare as his phone chirped.

"S-sorry," the esper chuckled, ducking his head. "I'll check this in the hall."

Haruhi rounded on him, hands on her hips. "What's more important than the health of a Brigade member, Koizumi?" she asked crossly.

"I... It's-" he started, his normally immobile smile shifting.

"No excuses," Haruhi declared. Was it ... that she was worried? And just looking for someone to lash out at?

Well, that could be the case, but I couldn't let her pick on him. I also had a fair guess what the message for him was about, anyway. Wasn't the hospital run by the Organization? Undoubtedly, they were telling him my prognosis.

"Let it go, Haruhi," I said with a sigh. "It's probably from his part-time job. It's no good getting him in trouble with his bosses, is it?"

Haruhi wheeled to face me, pursing her lips and crossing her arms over her chest. "Very well," she relented. "If Kyon isn't bothered, I'll allow it."

Though ... it was something else seeing Haruhi stand up for _me_ like that!

Koizumi ducked his head in gratitude and slipped through the door. In the meantime, I surveyed the others. Nagato... Well, Nagato had the same expression as always, though her gaze was fixed on the drip connected to my arm, as well.

Even Asahina-san was staring at it, though. Everyone was wearing casual clothing today. I missed the nurse costume, but my favorite time traveler still looked cute, even in a simple sundress. What wasn't to like?

"Well, you haven't explained what's going on," Haruhi said, raising her eyebrows. "So, what is it? You're getting better, aren't you?"

"They're treating it," I answered. "It's ... hard to explain, but it's a problem with my immune system."

Haruhi's eyebrows rose, and she looked like she wanted to ask more before she shook her head, looking at my sister. "Well," she said, "for now, I suppose we can visit casually, can't we?"

"Can we play a game?" my sister asked excitedly.

"Of course!" Haruhi declared.

In light of things, it was hard to sit so still and calmly. But my sister had no inkling of what was really going on, and neither did Haruhi. Asahina-san was just as clueless for the moment, but looked anxious enough already. There was no reason to worry either of them.

It was nearly an hour before Koizumi returned - dozens of hands of old maid into the day. One of the nurses had come with him, bearing a covered tray with my lunch on it. The esper's expression was more worn and tired than I'd seen it before, his smile more obviously strained.

"That was a long call!" Haruhi complained with a scowl, eying him dubiously.

"Apologies, Suzumiya-san," he offered smoothly, bowing his head. "However, since it's time for lunch, I've preemptively determined a suitable apology- I can pay for everyone at the cafeteria - Kyon's sister, as well."

Haruhi's eyes narrowed at that. "We're here to visit Kyon!" she complained.

"You can take your meals on trays," the nurse interrupted, smiling gently. "We'll make an exception and let you eat with your friend, as long as you clean up when you're done."

That was nice of them. Was the nurse part of the Organization as well?

That mollified Haruhi, though. "Alright," she allowed. "In that case, you all go on - Mikuru-chan, pick something good for me to eat!" Turning to face me, Haruhi waggled a fingertip and added, "And you must keep your health up, too! You're recovering, so no waiting on the others. I'll be making sure you finish your meal, now!"

The nurse chuckled gently at that, remarking, "Well, thank you for taking care of that part of my job!"

Haruhi nodded sternly and gestured the others out. My sister was the last to leave, giving a last giggle and waving childishly before taking Asahina-san's hand. The nurse had withdrawn with them, leaving Haruhi and I alone...

She crossed her arms and stared at the drip still connected to my arm. It was almost empty, now; I was surprised to realize that most of the fluid had drained into me. The needle was painful at first, but very quickly I'd come to ignore it. Her gaze lingered for a long moment on the mostly empty bag before going to the window.

Without so much as asking, she moved to the side of my bed and hoisted herself up to sit next to me, though facing away, her legs dangling over the side. The tray sat between us, but I didn't move to uncover the tray and see what I would be eating.

She seemed to stare intently at the floor, and I wondered what she was thinking. What moments like this meant...

Koizumi had told me that Haruhi had an expression that he'd never seen before when I had 'fallen' some months back. It wasn't hard to imagine a similar expression might have crossed her face when I collapsed in the street before being taken the hospital.

And while I have at times been oblivious, it's hard to pretend to be ignorant in situations like these.

I had to say something, though!

"Haruhi," I started, which prompted her to freeze, her dangling legs suddenly motionless as she stiffened, not turning to look at her. "Thank you for looking out for me. I've always thought you were at your best when looking after others."

"It's... I have to ... look after those who have looked after me," she answered, her shoulders sagging as though she'd let a weight slip from them. "B-but- Eat!" She turned to look at me - her eyes were shining, almost ... glistening, as she demanded, "You need to eat to keep your health up!"

Well, that was true, wasn't it?

"Of course," I laughed.

"If you don't eat, I'll feed it to you myself!" she warned, snatching the lid off the tray, revealing a large bowl of nabe. The image of Haruhi shoveling food into my mouth... We might have been having a pleasant moment, but I could feed myself!

I had only started on my soup before the others returned, bearing trays. Koizumi was carrying my sister's tray, but she was quite proud to remember my fondness for milk, and brought me another small carton of it. Haruhi hopped to her feet the moment the door creaked open, nodding in approval of the udon that Asahina-san had picked for her.

Nagato and Koizumi both got extremely light lunches. Afterwards, we played a few different card games, but by mid-afternoon, I was already feeling drowsy. The nurse returned to remove my IV and put a bandage on my arm, then determined, "Kyon-kun needs to sleep now - you can all come back to visit tomorrow!"

Haruhi clearly wasn't pleased with the instructions, but instead of fussing, she sighed, grousing, "There's nothing to be done about it - so be sure to get plenty of rest, Kyon! We'll see you tomorrow, don't you doubt it for a moment!"

There was still one concern, but-

"And don't worry about that Imouto - we'll take her back to your place," Haruhi added with a shake of her head. "Just get better!"

I nodded and let my eyes drift shut...

* * *

For better or for worse, I didn't recall any dreams when I woke up. It was the same hospital room, but dark- I blinked a few times and tried to sit up. I wasn't quite able to pull it off, but a small hand grasped mine and pulled me upright. Not long after that, the bed's mechanism slowly whined as it climbed to provide support.

I settled back into the bedding in the dark as my hand was released, and the room's light flicked on. It took a few heartbeats for my eyes to adjust to the new lighting. As I had anticipated, though it took me some further groggy moments to fully wake, there was Nagato Yuki - the girl who had on occasions trailed behind me like a personal ghost.

"It's good to see you, Nagato," I said, smiling at the impassive girl. Of course, it had been nice to see her with the others, too. But this restored a lot of confidence, considering how much I'd been shaken up.

She inclined her head a tiny distance.

"So ... this whole thing," I started with a shrug. "Who's responsible?"

"No one," she answered after a moment.

"Eh? You can't point at those other alien jerks and know it was them?" I was a bit surprised.

She shook her head minutely.

"It couldn't be time travelers or espers, could it?" I wondered.

"No."

"And it's not your bosses?" Could those jerks have done that? I somehow wouldn't be surprised!

"They are not responsible," she answered quietly.

I shifted my shoulders. I wasn't upset with Nagato, but I was in an alarming situation enough!

"Nagato, how did this one get by you?" I asked.

An expression I'd never seen before crossed Nagato's face. She looked ... troubled. Her head bowed, as her gaze went to the bed beneath me - or maybe lower, through to the floor. "The condition was pre-existing," she answered softly.

I could only blink.

"From before the moment of my creation, this condition has existed within you," she continued. "Until very recently, it was never observed. It was not possible to intercept the condition, due the lack of an external origination."

"Y...you," I started. "You're telling me that this is a naturally occurring condition, and no one is behind it?"

She gave a terse nod in reply.


	3. chapter two

memento mori

a suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu fanfic

by brian randall

disclaimer: the light novel series begun with 'the melancholy of suzumiya haruhi'/'suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu' is the property of tanigawa nagaru and is used here without permission. no disrespect is meant with the posting of this story.

note: ignores one particular scene in novel 11, and may contain spoilers up to that point. this is a less than happy story, though it will strive to be as uplifting as it can, considering what it's about. hopefully the ending is positive, but it's generally a very sad story, and some of your favorite characters may have to suffer ... because that's the nature of life, isn't it? so make the most of what you've got. what else can you really do?

* * *

The tone was very different from the last time that Nagato and I had spoken quietly in the hospital. Then, of course...

I didn't know how to react. Part of it was the creeping sense of shock and horror I'd been trying to push away crashing back down onto me. I felt sick and terrified. My head pounded, and even without my inner-ear woes, I would have been staggered with dizziness.

If I weren't lying down, I would have easily fallen over.

I was dying.

And for once, it wasn't in any way a supernatural event. No conniving enemy. No vicious plot. No meddling.

I was just unfortunate.

Was that even the word? As stunned as I was, my mind groped for sense. This wasn't _fair_!

My breath was coming in ragged gasps, and I realized my eyes were stinging- No, no - I needed to calm down.

Keep it together, I reprimanded myself. I was able to keep my head when I thought I could have the problem solved with powers like a god. Why couldn't I reclaim some part of that sense? I've panicked before - when facing problems beyond my depth, I would have thought it was perfectly justified. When Asahina-san was kidnapped, I was so frightened that I called Haruhi and asked her for help with the situation!

Come to think of it ... that was always my answer, and I'd been about to fall back on it again, wasn't I?

"Who can take care of this problem for me?" I seemed to be plaintively crying. It was a fair question sometimes. When Asakura Ryouko manipulated data and came after me with a knife, there was nothing that I as a mere mortal could have done. When Asahina-san was kidnapped, that _too_ exceeded my capabilities.

And when I got sick, my gut instinct was to wait for Nagato to fix it for me? Not that I hadn't thought of her solving that problem with Asahina-san, as well.

But humans have been dealing with their own mortality for centuries! Shouldn't I have been able to do the same?

"I ... see," I said unsteadily. I tried to shake my head, forgetting to brace myself against the dizziness, and collapsing back into the bedding again.

Nagato stared at me, as silent as a shadow.

"Thank you," I finally said. "I ... need to think about this for a bit. I appreciate you telling me."

Her liquid-helium eyes blinked once, her gaze still fixed on me. She gave a tiny, curt nod, then stepped back to the side of the bed, pressing the button to lower it without saying a word.

Probably, no equipment in the world was powerful enough to detect her footprints on the floor as she left. Perhaps she actually didn't. I was lost trying to absorb the reality of the situation - staring at the ceiling even after the light flicked out as abruptly as it had turned on.

You would probably expect that after hearing something that momentous that I didn't sleep a wink the entire night.

I don't know when, but at some point, I must have drifted off despite everything...

* * *

As rattled as I was by the shocking revelation, I was woken up unexpectedly - so shockingly that I tried to sit up.

Despite the fact that she had cried out a cheerful greeting from the doorway, Haruhi reached my side to push me back into place before I could do more than halfway flail toward rolling off the bed. "Hey, now!" she grumbled, smiling despite that. "No falling out of bed while you're recovering!"

I had no response. My mind was slow to wake on the best of days, and that day was probably not one of those. I could only stare at her, blearily trying to wake up, while Asahina-san, Nagato, and a worried Koizumi stepped in. Just behind them was the nurse who usually brought my breakfast.

"Kyon-kun will be receiving another MRI today," the nurse warned, "so you can all visit for a bit - but only one of you can stay with him while he's being scanned."

"No problem!" Haruhi said brightly. "Today, to encourage you to get better sooner, we've even brought you breakfast! Mikuru-chan helped, but this soup should revitalize _anyone_! Even someone as lazy as you should be energized!"

"...good morning to you, too," I managed, the memories from the previous night crashing back to me. I'd have liked to have thought that it was a bad dream, but Koizumi's expression, an incredibly rare break from his typical mask, lets me know that it was not.

Asahina-san had been caught up in Haruhi's excitement, so her concern was overshadowed by her cheerful demeanor. "Y...yes, hopefully you'll be back on your feet soon, Kyon-kun!" she added sweetly.

That was enough to get me to smile a bit, too, but it was a limited one, at best. "Thanks," I managed, as Haruhi set a still-hot bowl on the slide-out tray that I'd taken all of my recent meals on.

"I'll leave you be, then," the nurse remarked. "I'll be back in about an hour to bring Kyon-kun to his MRI."

"Thanks," I said again, as Haruhi uncovered the sealed bowl with a flourish, peeling back the rubber lid and letting the aroma reach me. It did smell good!

Once the door was shut, Haruhi very critically asked, "And how long _will_ it take you to recover, anyway? You don't have that needle in your arm anymore, so you're doing better, aren't you?"

"That all depends on how well it works," I answered. "The doctor said those were, ah ... immunoglobulin, I think."

"Yes," Koizumi supplied. "It contains the pooled antibody - immunoglobulin G - extracted from the plasma of over one thousand blood donors."

"Is that so?" Haruhi asked, eyes widening. "Very good that you know that, Koizumi-kun! But-" She turned back to me, frowning. "What do you _need_ such a thing for?"

I turned my attention to the soup bowl and fumbled for the spoon, almost dropping it before getting a mouthful of the hot broth. It really was delicious.

"The treatment lasts between two weeks and three months, and is used for the following," Nagato said softly. "Acute infections, immune deficiencies, and auto-immune diseases."

"...what?" Haruhi asked, looking between Nagato and Koizumi before turning on me, scowling. "Kyon! What do you have? I don't want us to have to guess this!"

Setting the spoon down as Asahina-san's smile faded to a look of concern, I sighed. "My immune system's ... acting up," I answered. "It's destroying my nervous system."

"B...but- But you took that treatment!" Haruhi said anxiously. "That takes care of it, right? I mean - you're going to get _better_!"

"It might _stop_," I said, forcing a smile I didn't feel. It was only a lopsided grin, at best. "They'll do some tests on me to see if that treatment helps. But the existing damage won't be reversed. Except ... Haruhi..."

"What is it?" she demanded hotly, hands balled into fists at her side as she trembled when I trailed off.

"...I might not _get_ better," I concluded lamely, turning to stare into the depths of my soup.

Koizumi raised a hand to his face and turned to stare at the floor. Nagato watched us quietly for only a moment before she turned to stare at the window. Asahina-san's head shook back and forth violently, whipping her hair around as tears sprang from her eyes instantly. "No!" she cried. "Kyon-kun- No, don't, don't..."

It was a terrible moment, and I had a misguided thought that I could somehow make a joke that would help things go more smoothly.

"But," I said, trying to sound cheerful, "you're always saying I'm the worst member of the club anyway, right? You even made that chart about it! So, that wouldn't be a terrible loss, would it?"

It was a stupid thing to say. I've said many stupid things in my life, rivaled probably only by Taniguchi, but that was among the worst.

Asahina-san could do nothing more than choke out incoherent sobs. Koizumi deserved some credit for what happened next. When the older girl collapsed, he roused from his own thoughts to catch her. Haruhi's eyes shone as her trembling grew more pronounced, her arms shaking. "K...yon," she grated out, as her expression shifted to a scowl. Her face went almost completely white, and then just as quickly almost completely red.

I had never seen Haruhi look so furious before. I wished I could have been there to save Asahina-san, but beneath Haruhi's glare, I would have been frozen even if I weren't confined to a bed!

"What," she forced out, almost a growl as her breathing became labored, "are you saying?"

I didn't have the strength. I had to look away from Haruhi's gaze. "I might not make it," I said, making my own shoulders shake.

I had thought about it, but somehow spitting out the warning that the doctor had already given me made it even more real.

"Koizumi-kun, take Mikuru-chan and Yuki out of here," Haruhi snarled. I wasn't looking, but I could imagine her eyes blazing like angry stars.

Koizumi hauled Asahina-san upright as she went from incoherently sobbing to wailing, and after a single glance at Haruhi, retreated for the door. Nagato wasn't far behind him.

The second the door clicked shut behind them, Haruhi exploded. She stomped one foot on the floor and pushed the tray away from me - she did it slowly, but her limbs trembled with barely-restrained fury. Her hands curled into fists and grabbed the front of my hospital gown. I thought she was going to give me a thrashing, but her body was shaking too much-

Haruhi, I knew that membership in the Brigade was a lifelong commitment, but what was with this reaction?

"How," she snarled, her voice thick. "Kyon- How can you even _joke_ about something like that? Sometimes-"

She took a shuddering breath, needing to start over:

"Sometimes you're so _stupid_!" Her voice was even thicker, as though she were on the verge of choking, and I felt myself shiver in anxious anticipation - Haruhi was not a violent person, but was this where she was going to change that? Was what I said in such poor taste that she'd hit me for trying to joke about it? "You- You..."

But ... what she actually did next was pull herself down to me, pressing her face into my chest as... Well, Suzumiya Haruhi, chief of the Brigade, burst into tears, sobbing into the thin material of the hospital gown she was clutching.

"You _can't_!" she bawled. "You _can't_ die, Kyon! We- We have too much to _do_! You _have_ to get better!"

As almost every other time in my life when it was time for me to do something meaningful, I was at a loss for words. What was I supposed to say? I'd never _seen_ Haruhi in such a state!

For all of her amazing qualities, sometime I forgot that she could still be a normal girl, too. So, while she clung to me like a barnacle, I raised a hand of my own and gently patted her back.

"I... I'll try," I managed, still a bit shaken by this new facet of Haruhi.

"You're not going to _try_," she managed, between sniffles, her voice muffled. "You're _going_ to get better!"

Oh, Haruhi... "I'll do my best," I promised, as her hot tears soaked through the thin hospital gown.

What else could I do?

* * *

I had no idea how long Haruhi stuck to me, while I almost mindlessly patted her back. She finally sniffled hugely once, then shook her head, pulling herself free. Her expression was strange to me; 'troubled' isn't something I was used to seeing on her face. Her eyes were red, and she rubbed at her cheeks before giving me a scowl.

"You must eat properly," she declared, pushing the tray back within my reach.

As tasty as the soup was, evidently enough time had passed for it to grow cold. With Haruhi in that state, even I knew better than to mention it, so I slowly nodded and ate it anyway. Turning away, Haruhi went through a bag I hadn't even seen her bring in, wiping her face with a cloth. No sooner had I finished the soup than the door opened, the nurse from earlier peeking in.

Her gaze lingered on Haruhi, who immediately stood ramrod straight, then went to me. "Done eating?" the nurse asked lightly. "It's time for your MRI."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Am I going to be getting these daily?"

"Well, that's up to the doctor," she answered.

"I can come with him, right?" Haruhi asked quickly, flinching slightly at the wheelchair I had grown unfortunately familiar with. "I want to ask the doctor a few questions, myself!"

The nurse nodded and cleared the tray away before helping me down into the chair. Haruhi fidgeted anxiously, as though she wanted to help somehow, but wasn't clear on how.

"Where did the others go?" Haruhi asked, looking around in the hallway.

"They're in a lobby down the hall," the nurse answered gently. "Did you want to visit them?"

Haruhi hedged for a moment, then shook her head. "I'll see them later," she decided. "For now, Kyon is what's important."

All this fuss over me... "Alright," the nurse agreed. "First of all, cell phone off, and leave it in the basket outside of the room. Any metal jewelry or clothing fasteners can interfere with the operation, as well, so you can come in the room, but can't get too close to the machine - understand?"

Haruhi held her tongue until we were in the examination room, though followed the instructions. I had gotten used to the machine, myself, but it was new to Haruhi, so she looked at it with wide eyes. It was pretty imposing, though! The technicians helped me out of the chair and onto the machine, while the doctor looked at Haruhi with mild surprise.

"A friend, Kyon-kun?" he asked pleasantly.

"Yes," Haruhi replied without hesitation. "We take classes together, Sensei. Kyon told me about his condition, a little bit - but how bad is it really?"

It's not like I made that up! The doctor hesitated, looking between me and Haruhi.

Sighing, I allowed, "I'm not trying to hide anything from Haruhi, Sensei."

"Alright, then," he allowed, as the antenna was put on my head again. The technicians prepared the system, but the doctor turned his attention to the girl who had accompanied me. "As I'm guessing Kyon-kun has explained to you, the prognosis is pretty difficult."

"But you gave him a treatment for it?" Haruhi asked sharply.

"That's right," the doctor agreed. "With a bit of luck, it will halt the dysmyelination, or greatly slow it down."

"And a magnetic resonance imaging machine will show that?" Haruhi pressed.

"It can," the doctor agreed. "In ... Kyon-kun's case, the action is very severe, so with the correct settings, it's very easy to observe. If we are lucky, then we will compare today's scan with the one from the day before yesterday - before treatment - and the day before."

"And you'll see less progression?" Haruhi asked sourly, as though the words tasted bad.

"Exactly right," the doctor agreed. "We'll also take another scan tomorrow and compare it with today's - then we can have a much better grasp of how effective the treatment is."

"And if it's halted?" Haruhi pressed more confidently, as the machine around me whirred to life, a low hum I could feel in my bones. "What then?"

"Well," he said after a thoughtful pause. "If we're fortunate, and we can arrest the degeneration, training and therapy can help overcome the minor speech impediment and coordination difficulties. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about the hearing loss at this time..."

"But then, Kyon's cured?"

The doctor sighed at this. "The issue is with Kyon-kun's immune system, so it will still be problematic. I've submitted blood for testing at various labs, but we don't understand _why_ it's behaving the way it is. His situation is similar to other conditions, such as multiple sclerosis, Guillain-Barre syndrome, Krabbe's disease, or metachromatic leukodystrophy."

Even though I could only see the interior of the machine, I could imagine even _Haruhi_ staring, not recognizing most of those. I'd heard of the first, but the rest were new to me.

"Our first priority is trying to stabilize Kyon-kun's condition, however," he continued. "If we can do that, then we can look at longer-term solutions. Possibly a way to address the immune system's behavior."

I could imagine Haruhi's face when she got an answer she didn't like.

"You heard that, Kyon?" Haruhi asked, while the machine quietly rumbled around me.

I answered, "Every word."

"Right! So because of that, every day before you're better is another penalty you will owe me!" she declared. "You also made Mikuru-chan cry, so that's a _double_ penalty, you understand?"

I resisted the urge to sigh, since I was supposed to keep movement to a minimum. It was fine to talk, though, so I muttered, "I shouldn't be surprised..."

"You'll have to treat just the two of us at the cafe to make this up," Haruhi continued. I couldn't see her, but I could imagine her nodding, arms crossed over her chest. "And, also - you're missing important lessons, so homework and study will continue!"

...in a way, Haruhi's insistence that I was still going to be part of those things was actually comforting.

"Homework, penalties... You'd better enjoy this break!" she warned.

The doctor chuckled in response.

"Hey, Haruhi," I said.

"What?" she called back, her tone of voice allowing me to envision her bristling, prepared to deal with my 'insubordination.'

"Thank you."

"I...it's ... what I'd do for any member of the Brigade," she mumbled, barely louder than the whirring sensor mechanisms around me.

Strangely, I couldn't imagine her expression when she said that. I wished I had a mirror to see it.

* * *

After being unloaded from the machine and getting back into the wheelchair, the doctor said he'd pore over the results, but wouldn't know what it really meant until he could get one more scan in the following day. Then came a blood test.

I wasn't a fan of needles, but over the days leading up to that point, I had become largely numb to it. I was surprised to see Haruhi cringe at the extraction, but she quickly put on a brave face. Once I was back in the hospital bed, it was time for lunch. Haruhi grimaced and shook her head.

"I'm going to check on everyone else," she said. "I'll bring them back here, and we'll have lunch with you - but your health is important, so don't wait on us to start!"

Once she was gone, I was rewarded with solid food - the porridge and soup had started to wear on me. What a treat! Katsu donburi - not a favorite, but a welcome change.

I was only a few bites into it, moving slowly to avoid stressing my worse coordination, when the door opened and the Brigade trooped back in, Haruhi at the lead. Asahina-san and Koizumi followed her like lost arctic explorers, forced to rely on the unflagging confidence of a leader facing a difficulty they could not understand, while Nagato trailed behind them, her usual expression in place.

Koizumi looked surprisingly troubled, and Asahina-san's eyes were red, her cheeks still marked where she had rubbed her tears away. She looked in a daze, offering a despondent and confused expression, instead of her normal cute smile.

It was my fault for upsetting her, wasn't it? Haruhi had even assigned me a 'double' penalty!

"Sorry to worry you all," I offered, forcing a smile.

"We- Ah, y...you're doing better?" Asahina-san asked anxiously, clasping her hands together and giving me a pleading look.

"Of course he is!" Haruhi insisted, her hands full of hers and Asahina-san's trays. "And there will be a test tomorrow to confirm it!" She paused then, thinking about something, and her face turned into a grimace.

Koizumi set down his tray on the small table in the room - the same one he was carving apples onto, a few months ago. "More importantly than how you are doing," he asked, "how are you _feeling_, Kyon-kun?"

"Still good enough to beat you in chess," I answered, hoping that joke would go over better than my last.

The smile he gave me at that was ... different. Usually I was irritated by his falseness, but for once, I could see this one was genuine - earnest.

"Koizumi-kun," Haruhi declared, wheeling on him, "tomorrow, you can bring one or two games to play with Kyon. I will also have instructions for you later, but for now, they are to be kept secret from Kyon! Absolutely secret!"

"I'm right here, Haruhi," I reminded her, before taking another slow, deliberate bite of my lunch.

"That changes nothing," she insisted, nodding decisively. "In the meantime, if anyone can think of activities we can do here until Kyon is released, don't hesitate to share them!"

"Of course," Koizumi chuckled.

"U...um, Kyon-kun, if there's ... anything I can do, let me know," Asahina-san offered anxiously.

I could think of a few things.

"Aside from having her put on her nurse outfit and check your temperature," Haruhi interjected flatly.

As pleasant as the image might be, I'd really been prodded and measured enough already. "Is that because it's the Brigade chief's duty first?" I teased.

Asahina-san's eyes widened as she gasped at that, reassuming her cute demeanor - for me, that was enough! Always smile like that, Asahina-san! Much like Haruhi, it was no good seeing an unhappy expression on her face.

Haruhi scowled at me, but it wasn't a very deep scowl, and I thought she must have put too much spice in the curry she had gotten for lunch - her face had turned very slightly red.

Before she could answer, the regular nurse who attended me peeked into the room. "Kyon-kun," she warned softly, smiling. "Your family is here, and will want to speak with you for a bit." She paused surveying the Brigade - my friends - then added, "You should have a little more time before that needs to happen, though."

Haruhi's expression dropped at that. "Well ... we ... can't get in the way of that," she muttered. Brightening, she shook her head. "That's fine!" she declared, nodding. "After lunch, we'll regroup at Yuki's to prepare for tomorrow!"

"Ah, I ... have part-time work this afternoon," Koizumi apologized, shaking his head. "I'm sorry for that."

"I'm not happy about you missing such an important event," Haruhi started, glancing at me briefly, "but I'll allow it - I'll send you a text message to keep you updated, understand?"

I bent to my lunch, wondering how things would go with my parents.

* * *

There was an unfortunate sense of tension across the remaining time with Haruhi and the others - I suspected she was especially annoyed with being bumped out by my parents, and also unhappy about Koizumi's 'part-time job'. I hoped that Koizumi wasn't overburdened because of me, at least.

I had to try and put those thoughts aside once my parents returned, my little sister in tow.

My little sister impatiently asked, "Kyon-kun, when are you coming home?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "It seems there are more tests to do."

"Are you feeling well?" my mother asked anxiously.

"Nothing hurts," I answered, shrugging as well as I could without moving my head too much. "So ... what's this about?"

"Your doctor - Yamada-sensei - wanted to speak with us," my father answered.

As if summoned by his name, the doctor that - much to my shame - I hadn't learned the name of until that point stepped into the room, quietly closing the door behind him. "Ah, hello," he said, pausing when he saw my sister.

"It's- It's alright," my mother said shakily. "We're not going to hide this from her."

My pulse quickened. This didn't seem like a prelude to good news.

"Alright," Yamada-sensei agreed, nodding. He moved to the same screen that he had put my previous MRIs against, and put up a new one. I couldn't really read it; it was all confusing gray blurs to me. "We'll need to measure tomorrow again to be certain, but it appears that so far the immunoglobulins have not had an impact on the degeneration," he said solemnly, indicating specific areas on the scans of my brain.

By my parents' blank expressions and my sister's look of confusion, it made no sense to them, either.

"It's very early to make a prognosis, but considering how quickly the condition is progressing, it's not a good idea for us to lose time in pursuing treatment options," he continued.

"Okay," my mother agreed quickly, nodding. "What other options are there?"

"The issue as far as we understand it is the immune system," he said. We all knew that much at that point, though.

With the exception of my sister at any rate, who moved to my side and tugged at my hospital gown sleeve curiously. I fumbled and patted her on the head before she grabbed my wrist, looking up at me in concern. Even if she didn't understand what was going on, she could read the mood.

"Now, the immunoglobulins - ideally - would have basically tricked the immune system to halt the dysmyelination," the doctor explained. "Since that didn't work, the next option, which we can start as early as tomorrow, is to undergo immunosuppression. That's basically ... trying to intentionally shut down the immune system."

My parents stared. My sister looked scared. I ... had no idea what to think of that. It sounded dangerous, though.

"What this means," the doctor continued, "is that we have to deliberately attack the immune system and weaken it to the point that we can halt dysmyelination. This is ... not without risks, but the procedure is routine in other situations, so also not without precedent. We regularly do this for patients who receive transplanted organs to prevent rejection."

"That ... sounds fine," my father offered hesitantly, trying to force a reassuring smile as he glanced toward me briefly.

"In this case, because of the abnormally high white blood cell count, we're going to need to be very careful - there's a chance we could overdo it. In order to be as safe as possible, once we begin the treatment, Kyon-kun will need to be in physical isolation to prevent contamination or infection. With his immune system suppressed to reduce neural degradation, he could become very susceptible to illness."

My little sister gasped. "K-Kyon-kun!" she choked out, eyes large and watery as her grip on my wrist tightened. "You're going to get better, right?"

Ah, just like Haruhi... "I hope so," I told her earnestly.

"Alright," my father agreed, nodding. "If that's what it takes, then..."

"In that case," the doctor said, offering a weak smile, "I'll leave you alone. The hospital visiting hours... Well, we'll waive them for the time being, so take all the time you need."

My sister sniffled loudly, eyes glistening. "Hey, come on, Imouto," I tried to cheer her. "It's not that bad!"

I wish I could have been more confident, but that last bit of news... I mirrored my father, then, trying my best to remain stoic, even in the face of uncertainty.

* * *

Most of the time visiting with my family was spent breaking things down for my sister. She sniffled a lot more, and finally cried, clinging to my arm like a plush toy. "Kyon-kun has to get better!" she wept.

It ... made me look at her in a different light. When things were positive, it was simple to look at her a nuisance. But here, in such a situation...

"Don't be like that," I told her, trying to keep my voice light. "Haruhi's already ordered me to get better, you know!"

"You'd better!" she insisted.

I smiled at her, but I was already getting tired. Once it was time for dinner, my mother pulled my sister away. "We'll- We're going to see you tomorrow," my mother said. "Once you finish eating, get some rest, alright?"

"Of course," I agreed.

After that, I ate, and then dozed off for a while.

I woke late in the night - at least I thought it was late in the night.

This time my visitor wasn't Nagato, but Koizumi, standing just inside the door next to the light switch. Even though I was typically a heavy sleeper, I found myself rousing once he hit the switch. I rubbed my eyes before fumbling for the controls to the bed.

"Not who I was hoping for," I mumbled, trying to crack a joke even as the dizziness of turning to look at him hit me.

"My apologies," he said with a wan smile, moving a chair to the side of my bed and sitting down.

I was about to joke again - coming into the room late at night and taking a chair without so much as a hello?

But then... If Haruhi was upset with me, wasn't Koizumi already working hard enough without me giving him grief?

"How are you doing?" I asked, once the bed was upright again, giving another rub to my eyes before letting my arms fall to my sides.

"_My_ condition should be no concern," he answered sardonically, shaking his head. "More to the point is the concern of your health!"

"Haruhi's not taking it well?"

This was a pointless question to ask; I could see _that_ well enough. His level stare told me much the same thing.

"Has there been a lot of closed space?" I tried instead.

"There has been a bit," he agreed, nodding. Shaking his head again, he added, "But the behavior is ... different. The celestials do not rampage as they once did. They now ... shuffle about a bit, as if indecisive. Then they might smash a building or two, and then before we can move against them, they disperse on their own."

That sounded like it wasn't that bad, to me.

"That, and your condition have stressed me a bit," Koizumi added. "Obviously, Suzumiya-san is concerned. While the situation is manageable as things stand, if your condition does not improve..." He grimaced and shrugged.

I sighed at that. This felt like a familiar situation. Haruhi didn't like the outcome, and everyone scrambled around trying to fix things to suit her?

"Well- In any case, the Organization has no idea who has done this to you," Koizumi continued. "And this is beyond our resources to resolve - though we will handle the expenses for your stay here."

That was a relief! I didn't like the idea of my family struggling to keep me in the hospital!

"While I've tried, our contacts with the IDSE haven't told us anything, either," Koizumi added. "I ... am a bit at a loss."

"Ah," I realized, frowning. Nagato hadn't told him? "I guess you didn't ask Asahina-san?"

"Should I have?" he returned, looking puzzled.

I shook my head carefully. "No, of course not. I already talked about it with Nagato, though. It's not the work of some enemy or outside faction, though - this is just ... what happened." I spread my hands in a helpless shrug. "No one is behind it."

I was rewarded with the rare sight of Koizumi looking stunned, his mouth dropping open in shock. "That," he sputtered, shaking his head. "I- What?"

I couldn't enjoy the moment, with him looking so scared... It was refreshing to see this true side of him, but I would have rather it not be at such expense!

"Koizumi ... I'm sick," I answered. "It just happened."

"I... This couldn't be what Suzumiya-san intended!" he complained.

"I don't believe Haruhi would do this to me, even subconsciously," I insisted. "Nagato said it was just a condition I had that was dormant until now - from long before I met Haruhi. Before Haruhi's powers entered the picture, even!"

"Well," Koizumi said, shaking his head. "If that's true, then... That would answer a question about the universe existing before Haruhi, wouldn't it?"

"I don't believe that she would have made a world where I was going to get sick like this," I agreed.

"As fascinating as it would be to explore the philosophical impact, the immediate concern is restoring your health," the esper declared. "I can't imagine it's beyond Nagato's ability to treat!"

I felt like an idiot. Somehow, the thought of asking Nagato to resolve it if it weren't from some sort of abnormal instigator hadn't even crossed my _mind_.

Before I could fully process it, Koizumi continued, "But- If it somehow _is_ beyond her, or her superiors refuse to let her help, it cannot possibly be beyond _Suzumiya-san_ to resolve!"

"That's true," I mused. There was _nothing_ Haruhi could not accomplish, should she truly wish to.

"I-" Koizumi cut off with a cough, then stared at me, amazingly solemn without his smile. "I said once that if it came down to it, I would side with you over anyone else. Naturally, the Organization is concerned, but there is no plan to handle this. Even after the scare we had in December... If you require Suzumiya-san's ability to restore you, then I will stand at your side."

I wasn't able to follow that, so I stared. "What?"

"If you ... decide to tell Suzumiya-san the truth of her nature," he explained, giving a small shake of his head. "Certainly, her power can resolve things, if Nagato's cannot! The Organization is uncertain of what might happen, and would undoubtedly not approve of this action - but that does not matter. I at least would be willing to stand by your side, and I believe that if anyone could encourage Suzumiya-san to be calm and remain responsible with her powers ... it would be you!"

I felt as stunned as Koizumi must have been to find out that my condition was natural.

"I ... hadn't thought of that," I admitted.

Koizumi looked satisfied, as though a major hurdle had been cleared, and relaxed back into his seat. "So - if that is your decision, I will stand at your side," he said, relieved to have gotten that out.

He misunderstood, of course. Thinking about it, I had no reason to think that Nagato _couldn't_ cure me. But she hadn't offered, and I'd been so stricken by the entire thing I hadn't thought to ask! Just because there was no supernatural cause for things, didn't mean there couldn't be some cure, could there?

"This- This is a lot to think about!" I exclaimed.

"Well, I will apologize for that," Koizumi said, offering me another of those strange sincere smiles. "I trust that it is in good hands. Now ... I hope you will forgive me, but I should return home and rest for tomorrow."

"Of course," I agreed, rousing myself from my own thoughts. "Thank you, Koizumi." And then, because it wasn't something I said enough, but it was true, I added, "You're a true friend."

The esper coughed and nodded, making his way to the door before switching the light back off. Before I fumbled for the bed controls to lower it again, while he was closing the door, I saw he'd gotten something caught in his eyes.


	4. chapter three

memento mori

a suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu fanfic

by brian randall

disclaimer: the light novel series begun with 'the melancholy of suzumiya haruhi'/'suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu' is the property of tanigawa nagaru and is used here without permission. no disrespect is meant with the posting of this story.

note: ignores one particular scene in novel 11, and may contain spoilers up to that point. this is a less than happy story, though it will strive to be as uplifting as it can, considering what it's about. hopefully the ending is positive, but it's generally a very sad story, and some of your favorite characters may have to suffer ... because that's the nature of life, isn't it? so make the most of what you've got. what else can you really do?

* * *

One of the most refreshing and surprising things about that conversation with Koizumi had been that he'd set his mask aside. I'd heard him say that he'd stand beside me no matter my decision before, but never with such earnestness. That side of Koizumi reminded me of how grave the situation was, that was for certain.

Alone in the dark, I contemplated my own foolishness, unable to sleep immediately.

Of course Haruhi could fix things and cure me. There may have been no need yet, since it was still possible that conventional medicine might help... That was getting harder to be confident in, seeing how poorly things seemed to be going.

But why take that risk?

I didn't particularly like the idea of my brain ceasing to function - even if my heart would continue beating as a myogenic reaction, I wouldn't be able to breathe unassisted. Come to think of it, at that point there wouldn't be much of an 'I' left, would there?

So, that was death.

It was a scary thing! It was a lot to deal with! And, anyway, I could just ask Haruhi for help! And if not her, Nagato. If ever there was a time to call in favors, wouldn't that have been it?

For Haruhi, telling her who she was and asking her to heal me ... wouldn't that be trivial?

I may have dozed and dreamed, or just been overwhelmed by my imagination. I wasn't certain, but the images came to my mind as I mulled the idea over.

Haruhi, learning about who she was, what her powers were, and how she could help me. Haruhi, using her powers for good. She would have healed me, so what was the point in stopping there? She could heal anyone who was sick at all!

And her powers were limitless - she could fix other problems with the world, too. Hunger, homelessness, war - all of those ills of society could be swept away! She could be a truly magnificent person who solved every issue the world had!

I could imagine Haruhi eagerly leaping to the role - she'd get recognition and also do something good in the process!

And somewhere there, off to the side, I would be healthy and able to live my ordinary existance.

I didn't need much - being an ordinary person was fine for me. Haruhi, though...

If that were to happen, what would Haruhi be? If she used her powers to fix all those things... How would she even do it? Nagato had supreme perception, but sometimes things escaped her notice - she forgot her glasses, even if only once. She has had blind spots and made errors.

Haruhi wasn't infalible, either.

Then I felt a chill - oh, but if she was already doing so much, she could fix that, couldn't she?

Where would it stop?

Would she even be _Haruhi_ at the end? Am omniscient benevolent being, certainly. There were more things than I could grasp even in that brief, passing fancy. But what would happen to _her_?

I could see, perhaps, someone thinking it was the best thing to do ... but wouldn't such a thing make her stop being Haruhi?

I grew angry at that fantasy image of me, healthy as he might be. What right did he have to tell Haruhi not to be human anymore? Just for his own benefit? Haruhi ... had grown a lot since I met her. Or maybe she'd always _been_ a better person, and just hid that off from the world for a time following her realization, those four years ago.

And I considered just making her throw it away because I was scared of something that billions of humans before me had faced?

Okay, I told myself. That was a bit much. Haruhi turning into that would be no better than me asking her to trade her life for mine - and maybe everyone else's, too, but at its root, it was too selfish a thing to ask.

What about telling Haruhi who she was, and only asking her to heal me?

I tried to envision it, but my mind kept slipping back to that other train of thought. How could I even do that? What was the sense in saying to help me, and stopping there? So, Haruhi's powers would save me, and only _I_ deserved such treatment?

Or, knowing Haruhi, she'd be content to stop _there_? She might at times seem selfish and short-sighted, but it was a short, slippery slope from helping me to realizing she could help _others_. And that kept leading to the same place!

It shook me to realize it, blinking into the dark surrounding my bed.

The words escaped my mouth, still faintly slurred, but totally unbidden:

"I like Haruhi too much to do that to her!"

There was no one around to hear it, but I felt my face heat up anyway.

It was still _true_, though. Such a thing...

I couldn't ask that of _anyone_.

Or could I? Nagato had powers of her own, and was already aware of her abilities, wasn't she?

My condition should be just as trivial for her! And Nagato was someone I could ask for favors. I had in the past!

Except ... I'd never once asked Nagato for help using her powers, except to deal with other supernatural or paranormal things. In fact, I'd worked long and hard to try and make Haruhi deal with things the same way other people would.

The baseball game was a glaring exception, but we forfeited the match, didn't we? And the point of cheating there was to sooth Haruhi when she was more easily irritated. When we fought the computer club, we didn't cheat.

Nagato may have been amazing, and operating at a level few humans could achieve... But at the same time, I _did_ ask her to do nothing a human couldn't do. I couldn't imagine her ignoring that.

Powers and cheating against reality to counter other powers or instances of cheating against reality was fair. In those situations, it was like primitive man versus a blazing comet headed directly for him. Divine intervention was the only option!

But when that primitive man found himself surrounded by hungry smilodon... He'd fight tooth and nail, but at the end of the day, if he wasn't a fierce enough hunter, then he ended as dinner for a pack of saber tooth tigers.

There was still a question I couldn't answer:

What made me so special that I deserved something no one else could have? Being _handed_ it, well, that was one thing, and totally beyond my control. But asking for it would be selfish - and hypocritical besides. If I insisted that Haruhi should have to learn to deal with reality as it came, what right did I have to make an exception for myself?

For probably the first time, I wished Koizumi was still around to discuss these philisophical issues with!

I must have dozed again at some point, but I felt like I went the rest of the night without sleep.

* * *

I woke up to a gentle prod. My eyes drifted slowly open, and I blinked up into Haruhi's expectant, somewhat worried stare. Her short hair still hung down to frame her face from that angle, but once I was awake she flashed me a smile and backed away.

"Good morning!" she chirped, raising the bed without even asking. "Feeling better?"

"Still ... tired," I mumbled, shifting about a little as the bed adjusted. "Huh - don't you have school today?"

"Today is when we find out for certain if you're getting better!" she answered, smile vanishing, replaced with an intent stare. "And you _must_ be improving by now!"

The nurse bustled in behind Haruhi with a tray of the porridge I was getting tired of. She raised an eyebrow at Haruhi's presence, but said nothing until the tray was in place, and I had a spoon in hand.

"Good morning, Kyon-kun," she said, echoing Haruhi. Smiling at Haruhi, she teased, "Is your girlfriend visiting to keep you company during your next MRI?"

I felt my face heat up again at that. Haruhi was my Brigade chief! It wasn't... I mean...

Haruhi herself spluttered briefly, then coughed and recovered herself. "W...well, I'm here to help take care of Kyon the best I can," she said resolutely.

"I remember. The last time he was here you snuck in with your sleeping bag and everything," the nurse chuckled. "Well, as long as the doctor doesn't mind, I'll leave you be. Have you eaten yet, young lady?"

"Y-yeah," Haruhi agreed quickly, nodding.

I was surprised that she didn't refute the role the nurse had assumed! Obviously she was just a nurse, and not some member of Koizumi's Organization. Still...

"Is it alright for you to be missing school?" I asked, once the nurse had softly closed the door.

"School isn't nearly as important," Haruhi declared, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at me sternly. "Koizumi will bring our assignments to us later, anyway. We're a club, and we'll work together - even if you _are_ stuck here until you get better!"

I nodded at that before realizing - I didn't feel dizzy anymore. I still couldn't hear out of my right ear, but was I actually getting better? Or had I just adjusted to the sense of balance being off?

"What's that look about?" Haruhi wondered. "But you _must_ finish your breakfast, of course."

"I don't feel dizzy anymore," I told her happily.

"That's great!" Haruhi cheered, grinning. "Keep getting better like that, and you'll be back on your feet in no time!"

I had to smile. Maybe worrying about getting help for my condition was pointless! Certainly, there was no reason to upset anyone else if I managed to get better on my own.

Though ... I had more testing to look forward to in any case.

* * *

After explaining my sense of balance to Yamada-sensei before the next MRI, he smiled softly and cautioned us, "Let's be careful and understand what happened, first. You may have just acclimated, for one."

"We should be positive!" Haruhi countered, crossing her arms over her chest. "This means Kyon's going to be just fine!"

Yamada-sensei's expression was pained. "That would be nice," he allowed. "But there's also the possibility that the nerve cluster that reports the sensation of balance - which had become damaged and wasn't working correctly - just isn't reporting anything at all anymore."

I wasn't sure what to make of his bedside manner.

"The MRI will tell us?" I asked.

"There's a chance we can determine it," he agreed. "In any case, if you're cautious, there's no reason not to try walking. If your sense of balance isn't being given bad information anymore, you easily _could_ be able to walk again, anyway!"

So thanks to that, after stepping out of the bed very cautiously, I was able to walk on my own for the first time in several days.

You wouldn't know how nice that was if you weren't able to do it for a while, yourself.

Under my own power, I was able to walk to the MRI room with Haruhi and Yamada-sensei.

"I still think Kyon's on the mend," Haruhi said resolutely. "And from this point forward, I'm going to stay by his side until he recovers!"

"If the results are promising," Yamada-sensei allowed, holding the door open. The same familiar techs gave me friendly smiles as I climbed into the contraption yet again. I was able to pull the antenna into place myself, and one of the techs spent only a few seconds adjusting it before nodding at me and starting the system up.

"And even if they're not! Um... Last time Kyon was here, I stayed with him until he recovered, after all."

"If the immunoglobulins aren't helping, our next measure will supress Kyon-kun's immune system," the doctor explained patiently, repeating what he'd told my parents and myself last night. "Once that's done, to prevent the risk of infection, he will need to be isolated."

"O...oh," Haruhi responded, sounding unsure of herself.

I wondered how she was really taking it.

"Ah! But- That means there's still a route for treatment!" Haruhi said, excitement in her voice. "You must keep positive, Kyon!"

Well, being positive would be hoping that the results from the MRI would say I was recovering anyway!

* * *

Even with Haruhi present, I fell asleep in the machine. I didn't recall any dreams, but I was woken up when the machine released me by Haruhi pinching my cheek gently. Well ... it wasn't the worst way to wake up in the world. Hadn't I once done similar to _her_?

"What did you draw on my face?" I mumbled.

Yamada-sensei chuckled behind her, shaking his head. "Let's get you back to your room," he said. "I'll need an hour or two to go over your results."

"Will his parents be coming by?" Haruhi asked.

"My mother, for sure," I agreed, yawning, but glad to be able to climb to my feet on my own. At least the hospital outfit included pants - I'd be embarassed otherwise! If it were late enough, she'd undoubtedly bring my sister with, rather than leave her home alone.

Haruhi moved to my side and took my arm as though I needed help walking. I almost stumbled over that, but she kept me upright. "Careful!" she admonished, looking away even as she gripped my arm tightly.

The doctor said nothing, merely opening the door to my room and letting us enter.

I had spent enough time in the bed recently to not want to return to it, and Haruhi didn't mind guiding me to one of the chairs instead. I sank down to sit in the surprisingly stiff seat and knuckled back a yawn. "Thanks for visiting me today," I said, offering her a smile.

"I...it's what I have to do," she insisted stubbornly, looking away. "And ... if you have to go into isolation, then shouldn't I spend what time I _can_ with you now?"

I wondered, though. I supposed I made a convenient excuse for her to skip school, didn't I? Then again, I got to avoid the drugery and busywork myself, so I shouldn't complain too much!

While thinking such thoughts, I still smiled, mindlessly looking into Haruhi's face. Her expression at the time was one of her more pleasant ones - the kind which I would compare with Asahina-san. She fidgeted beneath my gaze for some reason, as though it made her nervous or uncomfortable ... but I was too absorbed in my thoughts to realize that.

"Let's play a game!" Haruhi declared abruptly. I started, but nodded, as she took the chair opposite mine and slid a table from one side between us. I shouldn't have been surprised that she brought a deck of cards with her. It might have been the same one we played Old Maid with when the entire Brigade was assembled.

"What did you have in mind?" I wondered, as she glared at the cards intently, shuffling them in a swift blur.

"How about poker?" she answered, shrugging.

I nodded and accepted my cards, thinking of the hand I'd been dealt. Once I was lucky enough to get a royal flush against Koizumi, but it wasn't for anything of particular value. Thinking of that, frowning at the garbage hand I'd been dealt, I realized, "We don't have anything to wager."

Grinning happily, Haruhi reached to one side of the chair. I'd missed it before, but she had brought a bag with her - and her sleeping bag was next to it. I shouldn't have been surprised.

But before I could ask, she produced a pad of paper and a pen. "I'll track things here," she explained. "But since it's not real money, we'll each start with ... one hundred trillion yen!"

That was outrageous!

"Minimum bid of one billion," she added, scribbling the balance on the pad of paper.

I couldn't help but sputter. "Why not use some reasonable number, like one thousand?" I protested. "One hundred _trillion_?"

"If we're not using actual cash, there's no reason to be reasonable!" she countered. "It's nothing like favors, penalties, or clothing!"

...did she really put those things in the same list?

Nodding in satisfaction when I had no response, she said, "So - one billion in ante!"

It was a good thing it wasn't real money - I was certain that Haruhi would take it all, by the time she was done!

* * *

Much to my surprise, Haruhi wasn't particularly good at poker. Actually, when I thought about it, it occured to me that she may have trouble with any game where it's only one other person against another. She was great in team games, and in games with large groups where others can play against one-another, but when it was just her and I...

It was actually more fun than I expected! Haruhi's outrageous sums were amusing to pay with, once I adjusted to gambling hundreds of billions on a single pair. Other than that, it turned out she was actually a terrible bluffer.

I didn't imagine myself to be much better, but Haruhi also tended to play high-risk hands. As I did not have to worry about the numbers, it was pleasantly relaxing.

That same friendly nurse came by with my lunch, and we paused for that briefly. Haruhi actually was taken aback to find the nurse brought an additional tray for her - but the nurse just winked and left the pair of us alone.

Some twenty five trillion yen into the game, while she shuffled, I stifled a yawn. That drew her attention, and she looked at me sharply. "Are you tired?" she asked worriedly.

"I didn't rest as well as I might have liked," I admitted. "That's fine, though ... I'm really enjoying this."

In response, Haruhi ducked her head slightly, but not so much that I couldn't admire that expression she had shown me earlier. "Ah," she started, coughing. "Um ... Kyon, you know-"

And then the door burst open and my little sister bursted in like a round being blasted out of a canon. "Kyon-kun!" she cried loudly, charging my bed, then backlpedaling and correcting course, leaping at me with only a fraction of her intended force.

That was a good thing, too, since her small body colliding with mine rattled me enough as it was!

She clung to me fiercely. "Kyon-kun!" she cheered again, eyes shining. "You're feeling better, right?"

My mother was just behind her, sighing at my sister's antics, then starting slightly. Hmm, I supposed that my sister must have gotten released from school. We'd really lost track of time, hadn't we?

"Uh, hi," I managed, awkwardly hugging my sister back. Even if she did interrupt whatever Haruhi was going to say, I couldn't be terribly upset with her.

Haruhi fidgeted, then rose and bowed to my mother. "Thank you for taking care of my son," my mother said, before Haruhi found her voice.

"I- It's nothing!" Haruhi insisted.

My mother then glanced at the cards Haruhi had left on the table. "Ah, playing a game?"

"Just poker - er, but not with real money, of course," Haruhi explained. Then she laughed softly and added, "Which is good - otherwise I'd be in debt to Kyon!"

"Well, we'll have to set that aside for the moment - Kyon's results should be in shortly," my mother added soberly. "Speaking of which - are you feeling better, Kyon?"

"I can walk again," I said, ruffling my sister's hair, but unable to get her to let go.

"That's good!" my mother exclaimed, as Haruhi nodded her satisfaction. "Now, Yamada-sensei should be along shortly, so if-" She broke off as the doctor in question entered the room, though his expression was solemn. "Ah, Yamada-sensei..."

He nodded in greeting, closing the door behind him. A familiar manilla envelope of test results was in his hand. "Good afternoon," he said, offering a brief, wan smile. "We've got the results from Kyon-kun's tests earlier today, so..."

That lighted board on the wall of the room had gotten an awful lot of use. He set up three particular scans in a row. Haruhi twisted around, and then popped to her feet to stare.

Even my untrained eye could register a greater number of shadowed and dark spots by the third image. Pointing at the first one, he explained, "This is from when Kyon-kun's first scan this week."

My mother bit her lip, as he moved to the second.

"This is the first scan following the immunoglobulin infusion," he continued. "As you can see, the degredation is severe." His hand moved to the third image. "This is the scan from this morning. As you can see, the darker areas indicate neural matter that no longer posesses a myelin sheath. It's ... particularly obvious around here, which is the area of the brain responsible for hearing and the sense of balance on the right side of the body."

"So I'm not falling over because my inner-ear has stopped working at all, instead of poorly," I realized aloud, in the silence.

"That is correct," he answered solemly. Taking off the glasses he had always worn, he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Unfortunately, it appears that the immunoglobulin has had no effect on the condition."

My mother weaved unsteadily - Haruhi looked as pale as a sheet, but managed to turn the chair she had vacated, so she could collapse into it unsteadily. "But there's still a treatment, right?" Haruhi demanded, her voice tight, eyes shining like my sister's.

"Kyon-kun's going to be okay, right?" my sister echoed, her eyes beginning to water.

Yamada-sensei bowed his head. "We've already set up another room for isolation; because of the severity of the condition, we would like to begin treatment immediately," he explained, almost apologetically. "This will mean we must limit direct contact, as we will be severely supressing the immune system in order to try and prevent further degradation."

I wasn't sure how to feel. Somehow, seeing my sister and mother like that, and even Haruhi shaking... I had to try and be strong for them.

"Alright," I said. "In that case, we should ... go while I can still walk, shouldn't we?"

"No!" my sister cried, shaking her head furiously. Somehow, she managed to cling to me even more tightly.

"Ah- Kyon-kun needs to go to his treatment," my mother protested, though she still looked uneasy. "We can't delay that."

"No, no!" she insisted, tears running down her face. "That word means 'alone'! Kyon-kun is sick, so why make him be alone? How can he get better like that!"

Haruhi shook, flinching away. For a moment, I half-expected her to follow my sister's lead! I could imagine her complaining we had to finish the round of cards, but...

"Imouto," I told her gently, "we have to try this to see if I can get better. I'm sorry about that- Just follow your Haru-nee's lead, right?"

"R...right!" Haruhi choked out, flinching as though my words had jarred her out of some stasis. "We can't give up! Kyon being in isolation will be a small price to pay for him to get better!"

My sister reluctantly let Haruhi pull her off me, and my mother struggled to her feet. "We'll- We'll walk with Kyon until we have to leave him," she declared.

Nodding, Yamada-sensei left the images on the board and moved to the door. "Then ... this way."

* * *

Isolation was not what I had expected. A few sci-fi movies too many had made me think the process would be sticking me with enough needles and tubes that I'd be mistaken for a pincushion. I also expected thick bulletproof glass walls with speaker grilles, and the nurses and doctors to be swaddled in protective gear that made them look like astronauts. Biohazard stickers would be everywhere, in my mind's-eye, and an armed guard or three would stand at the door to check ID badges on anyone coming in through the multiple levels of security.

That was an absurd expectation. In reality, I did have a single heavy-duty line injected in my chest - which was a bit painful - somewhere near my heart. This one line allowed the doctors to feed in medication and anything else needed, where it would diffuse through my system quickly. It allowed connections for multiple medications simultaneously, which was evidently a good thing.

I did have to move to a different, and much smaller room, containing a bed, some monitoring equipment, and not much else beyond a television mounted to the wall opposite the bed.

When I mentioned my foolish thought to the nurse who had finished connecting the drip line to my chest, she smiled- Instead of an encounter-suit, she was wearing scrubs and a breathing mask.

"You're in isolation," she explained, "not quarantine. And even then, armed guards would be a bit much!"

"Could I still have friends visit?" I wondered.

"One at a time, and briefly," she agreed. "If the doctor says it's okay. They will need to wash their hands thoroughly, and wear scrubs, gloves, and a mask for safety, though."

I had the strange image of Haruhi in that getup, suddenly, and wondered if it would be possible to take a picture.

She wasn't in the room, though, and the next person through the door was my doctor - dressed identically to the nurse. He set up an IV stand with three separate bags which were then connected by lines to the one feeding into my chest. He explained what each of them were, and that two of them were chemicals to suppress my immune system.

"We're giving you a fairly large dosage," he said. "We need to act quickly to counter the degradation. You're likely to experience some side-effects of the treatment, and I'm afraid no visitors until we have a better understanding of the impact it has on you."

"Side-effects," I stated in return. "Well, are they as bad as my brain being eaten by my immune system?"

He didn't smile behind his mask.

"The risks we're looking at are that we could potentially permanently weaken your immune system."

Considering what it was doing for me at the moment, I wasn't sure I thought that was an entirely bad thing!

"It also could end up causing organ damage if the dosage is too high - but we need to supress your immune system quickly, and this is the only real option for it. If the degredation were slower, we could try an array of medications to find one that worked well, or possibly even radiation therapy. Those won't be effective enough, so this is what we're trying."

I felt strangely calm as I digested those words.

"Sensei," I asked quietly. "If this doesn't work ... how long do I have?"

The doctor, who had been working with me for the better part of a week by that point, heaved a slow breath, looking away and deflating like a punctured balloon.

"To be honest," he said quietly, "at the current rate, you'll undergo further sensory degredation within a few days. While the condition seems focused in the periphery of your brain at the moment, it will spread to the nerves throughout the rest of your body. You may suffer partial paralysis, loss of sensation ... loss of control of organs - like your lungs, among other things...

"There's a risk of 'locked in' syndrome. That's where you remain aware of your surroundings, but cannot control your body. While you've been very fortunate so far, the degredation is going to eventually start to take its toll on your cognitive and memory centers. You ... will start suffering memory loss, and your base functionality will degrade."

"And, ultimately," I said quietly, "I could turn into a vegetable that can't even breathe unassisted."

"Yes," the doctor agreed solemly. "But ... the treatment we're trying now might be able to slow - or even halt that."

"And how soon will we know?" How _was_ I remaining so calm about this?

"We're going to take regular blood samples and monitor the activity of your immune system in action," he explained. "If it slows, we'll be able to see that, and can adjust the medication accordingly to supress it further - the hope is that we can fine-tune the dosage and keep your immune system active, but not working against you."

I couldn't just leave it at that, though. I could imagine Haruhi or my mother demanding answers for these same questions from this poor doctor shortly enough. "And ... if that doesn't work?"

The doctor coughed, his voice roughening slightly. "In that case ... there's not much reasonable we can do. Being ... _unreasonable_, if you consent to it, we can try and intentionally disable your immune system entirely. You would be extremely succeptible, but ... we could at least try and arrest the degredation."

I felt a sudden, strange twinge of sympathy for the doctor. He was trying his hardest, wasn't he? I was slipping through his hands like sand.

I couldn't be upset at him for failing. "Thank you," I said.

"W...well," he coughed, dredging up a weak smile behind his mask, which barely reached his eyes, "if there's anything you'd like while we're waiting for the results, now would be a good time to ask."

"I'm tired," I realized, shrugging weakly, already imprisoned in the new bed. "For now, I think I'd just like to rest."

The doctor nodded, giving me a small bow before he left, coughing again. The nurse pursed her lips and indicated a button I could press attached to the side of the bed that would summon her - or someone else. "If you get bored, there's also a remote for the television," she added, setting it on the bedside table.

And then I was left alone with my thoughts.

As much as was happening, though, what I'd said was the truth. So I didn't really think about it much before I drifted to sleep.

* * *

I awoke some time later. The new room had no windows, but it did have a clock. I raised a hand to scratch an itch on my chest, stopping when I felt the tape holding the IV arrangement in place. As I yawned and shook my head to clear it, the door opened, a familiar figure in scrubs and surgical mask entering.

The tray was set before me, and the one dressed in the outfit looked at me with concern in their eyes.

I considered the costume for a long minute. It wasn't what someone would expect to wake up to, that was for certain!

That being said, even though part of me wanted to laugh, I had to admit, "That costume suits you, Koizumi. I can imagine you really becoming a doctor."

He didn't smile. "I can pull enough strings to visit you very briefly," he said with a sigh.

"At least I'm not all alone," I remarked, sitting up and uncovering the tray. As a side-effect of the medications and treatment I was recieving, my diet had been reduced to very bland things, which meant little more than porridge. Dairy was absolutely forbidden ... and I would have loved a cool glass of milk.

Koizumi finally blurted out, "You didn't tell Suzumiya-san? Like this, it will be more difficult for you to get time alone with her to discuss it!"

Ah, of course...

There was another seat in the room, so I waved at it, frowning at my hand after I did so. My muscles felt lethargic, and the motion was less steady than I would have liked. "I'm sorry," I apologized to him. "It's... I thought about it, Koizumi. I had all night to consider it, after all."

"And?" he asked warily, dropping into the chair. Ironic that one of the times his 'mask' wasn't in place, his face was covered with a surgical mask anyway!

"And I can't do that to Haruhi," I said, shrugging, before eating a mouthful of porridge. It tasted metallic and bitter to me - I swallowed a single mouthful before pushing it away.

I didn't feel hungry anyway.

"You- I don't understand!"

"I ... don't know if I can put it into words well," I admitted. "But where's the fairness in using Haruhi for my own good there?"

"I don't ... think it's selfish to want to live," he countered, frowning.

"Okay ... but why stop at just me? Haruhi can cure any disease, right?" I prompted.

He settled back into his seat and glowered at me. I could see him working it through, and he had a sharper mind for philosophy than I did. While he mulled it over, I drank some water - though _that_ tasted unpleasant, too.

"So," he said slowly, "you think Haruhi wouldn't be content to stop just there?"

"I think it either would require me to be selfish, or her to give up being _Haruhi_," I countered.

"I-" Koizumi bowed his head. "This is ... awkward to admit, but it's ... uncomfortable to think of you ... not making it through this, Kyon."

"I'm not thrilled about it myself," I admitted dryly. "But ... it's the hand I was dealt. Some of us get reality warping powers, some are unwittingly drafted to fight giant monsters, and some of us ... get sick."

"You're astonishingly sanguine about this," Koizumi remarked, shaking his head.

I stared at the ceiling of the room. "Panicking won't do me any good. I've had enough time to think about it. It's hard for me, too. I don't want to die. If this treatment attempt is no good, though... It's scary to think about dying. It hurts - even if I'm not actually in pain. But ... that just may be what's happening."

"And Nagato-san can't help? Or her superiors won't let her?" he pressed, leaning forward intently.

"For that ... even if Nagato already knows what she is, I can't just use her for my own benefit like that."

"But what about Suzumiya-san? What if it's not for _you_, but for _her_?" Koizumi countered.

I hadn't thought of it from that angle. "I think we should live for ourselves, not just other people," I said slowly. "But if you're turning this into a philisophical discussion so simple even I can follow it... Say, Koizumi - has Haruhi ... ever had to really deal with loss before?"

"I ... I don't think so," the esper admitted, looking surprised at the thought. Shaking his head, he added, "Certainly, I don't imagine she'll handle ... grim prospects particularly well!"

"But isn't that something we all have to learn to deal with at some point? Don't get the wrong idea - I'll be very happy if this treatment works! I want to be lucky enough to get through this! But if we're talking about accepting the hands that fate deals us, not twisting the world to suit our whims ... how do we justify saying, 'Just once, for now, we will cheat'?"

"I don't like the idea, not at all," Koizumi refuted flatly, shaking his head again. He heaved a tremendous sigh, one that made his mask puff out. "Except... Even saying that ... I do trust your judgement, Kyon. You ask when she will learn to accept loss. And if not now, when?"

I hadn't worded it like that, but I nodded agreement.

"This is difficult for me," Koizumi got out before coughing and needing to wipe something from his eyes. "Uh..." he groaned before coughing again.

When he raised his head, that mask that usually concealed his face was in place, though slipping. For once, I didn't fault or dislike him for trying to wear it.

"How ... can you bear it so easily?"

"I ... have never asked my friends to use their non-human abilities for me only for my own benefit," I said slowly, looking away. My own eyes were watery - probably just a side-effect of the medication I was being treated with. "Only to counter or handle other issues that are beyond a normal person.

"But despite that... Despite that, I have traveled through time. I've been attacked by an alien who just wanted to see how someone would react to my death. I've gotten to see espers fight beings that threatened our reality. I've done things that maybe no other humans will get to do - see two of Nagato, side-by-side, and Asahina-san, too. I've walked in an alternate reality...

"But more important than that, I've made true friends. Not just because you're more than normal people - but _as_ normal people. Some of our best moments have hardly involved any powers at all - Haruhi leading us all to write that book to fill the duties of the Literary Club! The fun we had on the island trip - or the winter vacation!

"So ... thinking of that ... I've been able to do and see things that allow me to say, 'even if I have only known the Brigade - my precious people - for a little more than a year, it was the best year I've lived.' That is true beyond question. I want more, as well - to keep living, to make _more_ precious memories... But if this is what I was given, then what about those who have gotten less?

"Thinking that ... how can I _not_ be prepared to accept the hand I've been dealt?"

Koizumi coughed quietly for a bit, while I wiped my eyes - stupid medications...

"I ... see," the esper finally got out. "So ... you will try and share such feelings with Suzumiya-san? If- If this doesn't ... restore you to health..."

"Yeah," I agreed quietly. "If ... I don't get better, then I want to share that with Haruhi. I... I _have_ to, to thank her for all the opportunities I've gotten, don't I?"

"I understand," Koizumi said, his voice tight - on the verge of another coughing fit. "I... I will stand by your side, Kyon, as much as I can. I understand your choice, and will do my best to support it."

I nodded, feeling tired again. "Thanks, Koizumi. And ... I think you'll do it anyway, but I have to ask."

"Anything," he agreed. "What can I do for you?"

"If ... I can't be there for Haruhi, I hope you can."

"I ... understand," he managed, before he had to leave the room.

It made sense, though. A ... coughing fit that severe was no good while I was supposed to be in isolation to protect against infection, right? And I had the side-effects of my own medication to worry about...

* * *

Thanks to all the tubes and sensors attached to me, I was confined to my bed. That didn't spare me further tests, though.

First thing in the morning, along with breakfast, a sample of my blood was taken to study the effects of the immunosuppressants by a nurse in scrubs and a mask.

After that, Yamada-sensei returned in the same getup, and quizzed me on possible side-effects.

Since I couldn't find an apetite - everything tasted metalic and unpleasant - another IV was set up to keep me from starving. I'd heard of such things, but hadn't even realized it was a side-effect... For a change of pace, the lady doctor who started her tests off asking me to remember three words made an appearance, though it took me a minute to identify her behind her mask.

Once she was done, I asked, "How am I doing on those tests, anyway?"

"Ah," she started, already halfway to the door. "Well, so far, you're doing very well! It seems you're not being severely impacted yet."

Except for the fact that I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I might have agreed.

Yamada-sensei had explained that the degeneration could probably be expected to cause numbness and - effectively - paralysis from the extremities and working toward my brain. Of course, knowing that parts of my brain had evidently already started to break down didn't help. I still had no hearing in my right ear, which was a constant reminder of _that_.

I couldn't complain about the constant tests too much. They were designed to help keep me alive, for one. For another, well ... it was something to _do_. If I wasn't doing some sort of test, I quickly became bored. I tried watching television, but somehow, I couldn't imagine spending what could have been the last days of my life doing something so ... trite.

On the other hand, I had no computer or games ... which would probably also be just as uninteresting to me. A book, well...

Maybe I would be able to ask Nagato if she had a suggestion? I had to hope it would be allowed into isolation, of course, but it would have been _something_.

In short, I had a lot of time to think.

I might have been overdoing it - I had no way to tell. But I had more or less come to grips with the possibility of my own death. It's something everyone will have to do eventually, so it's not particularly remarkable that I could do it, too. Someone as thick as me would need his nose rubbed into his own mortality to realize it, but that had come to pass.

There were a great deal of things I couldn't really fathom - and I knew I'd never _really_ have the time to sort them out.

It was strange, but I felt like a student who had forgotten all of his summer homework. It would be a bad mark, but since there was no way to do it in time, it was impossible to worry about actually doing it. Oh, dealing with the fact that it wasn't there was still a real issue, but there wasn't as much pressure to get it done.

And like that student, I was wondering what I could do with my time left.

On some level, though I wasn't letting myself think such things, I was trying to accept the worst possibility - that the treatment did no good. Being given the good news that it worked, and I would be saved would be a shock I'd be able to take! But pinning everything on that hope and then having it fall through...

But even saying that, on some level, I _was_ still very hopeful. No one wants to die; the hope that some other student who knows your plight and conspires to get sent to the hall with you before assignments are handed in so you can copy his... It's a small chance, but that hope is still there, even if you try and convince yourself that it's not.

Those thoughts circulated through my mind, looping around endlessly.

It was very boring.

The other side-effect of whatever I was being treated with was that it made me constantly sleepy, so not long after I'd been hooked up with the IV to provide my body with nutrition, I dozed off.

At some point in the afternoon, I woke up again when the same nurse who usually looked after me returned. Behind her was a smaller form that it took me a minute to realize was _Haruhi_ beneath those scrubs and the mask. "Oh, hey," I slurred, trying to sit up before giving it up as a lost cause and fumbling for the bed controls.

Haruhi's eyes were shining, and she coughed once behind her mask. "Ah ... how are you ... feeling, Kyon?" she asked anxiously. "Y...you know, all this time spent worrying your Brigade and not getting better..."

"Sorry," I mumbled, trying to shrug.

"I'll give you two a few minutes," the nurse said quietly, nodding to Haruhi before she stepped outside.

"I- Uh, I wanted everyone to have a chance to visit you," Haruhi said uneasily. "But they said that ... we shouldn't, since you're in isolation."

"I'm not completely isolated," I answered, struggling to enunciate clearly. My tongue felt sluggish and uncooperative. "They let you visit me, right?"

"Yeah," she agreed quietly.

"Mm. Homework?" I wondered. I didn't particularly want to do more assignments, but I was at a loss for what else to do. I still needed to bring some issues up with Haruhi, but I hadn't figured out how to do it at that point.

"Uh- No," she sighed, staring at the floor. "I made you notes and stuff, but it's no good bringing in books that might contain outside germs or bacteria. I think I'd be okay with it, but they said it might be hard trying to use a pencil while wearing these, too." She raised a hand and waggled her rubber glove covered fingertips.

I doubted that rubber gloves would slow Suzumiya Haruhi down much!

I didn't know what to say, though. No homework was nice, but without even cards to play with...

"Well, what would you like to do?" I wondered.

A flash in Haruhi's eyes told me that the answer couldn't be conveyed in simple words. Who knew what she wished to say and share?

"I'd like you to get _better_," she snapped, finally letting her features settle into a scowl as she stared at me. What was with that reaction? Did she think I was enjoying the situation?

"Like this... Like this you're scaring me!" she exclaimed, smacking a fist into her own thigh as she sank to sit in the room's one chair. "Koizumi-kun is brooding and nervous, Yuki is too distracted to read, and- And Mikuru-chan just cries worrying about you! This ... is very inconsiderate of you to scare everyone like that!"

There was the merest, briefest spark of irritation that Haruhi could have such an attitude. I almost snapped back at her that it wasn't my choice. But ... well. I was largely a fool, compared to my companions, and I wasn't terribly clever. I was also lazy and generally lacking other real virtues - if there was one thing I was good at, it was restraining my temper.

Before meeting Haruhi, there were few times my patience had been tried enough to make me lose it, and after, well...

I'd made the observation in the past that Haruhi was as poor at lying as I was - and I could see there that she was trying her best to put up a front. Why would she do that?

Even my slow brain could find an answer to that question easily enough.

It was easier to be angry than to show her true thoughts - hadn't she done the same when I made that poor joke?

Of course, just like when I'd been in a coma and she 'penalized' me for it, she wasn't trying to be malicious or cruel ... it was just the way she acted. That was the key word in that behavior though - 'acted'.

So I did not snap at her, or turn bitter or defensive. Instead I just shrugged weakly.

"Sorry."

Her expression fell, even behind her breathing mask. I never was much for conflict, but I saw no point into getting into an argument. "You will get better, though," she insisted, her voice quavering a tiny bit. "And when you do..."

She trailed off, not sure what to say next. What penalty _was_ fit for that situation? If I _were_ to get better, and the whole thing were a pointless scare, 'the death penalty' would obviously be wrong to declare. Not that she was ever serious about that, but what could she say?

"Haruhi," I said softly. "Look... I'm trying to get better."

She flinched at that, her mask cracking. "I- I didn't mean-"

"No, listen," I continued, shaking my head slightly. "I am trying. The doctors here are doing everything they can, too. I'm not ready to give up ... but I have thought about it."

"No!" she exclaimed, leaping to her feet. "You can't- You _must not_ think such things! You have- You have to get _better_ Kyon! Don't even _consider_ the alternatives!" Her eyes were wild, and behind her mask, I could see she was breathing hard. "It's terrible that you're scaring us so much as it is but if you... You _must_ get better, or, or..." There was an awkward moment where she worked her jaw, eyes glistening as she groped for words. Finally, though it was quiet, and conveyed none of her usual confidence, she finished, "...or I will never forgive you!"

I thought about what she said. I wasn't like Koizumi, a master of philisophical thought ... but what other than one's mortality could motivate someone to become interested in that subject?

"I wouldn't want that," I said in reply.

She nodded, as though the matter were settled.

I couldn't leave it like that, though. Being too optimistic would just work against me - if I spent every day just hoping I would get better and then ... didn't... Well, then what? Wasn't it better to use the time I would have left as well as I could?

I felt that was the answer - but what did I want to do with my remaining time?

There may have been something to the idea I'd already given up. I _had_ been given enough time for someone as mild tempered as myself to come to grips with it. I would _rather_ have survived, but if I didn't... Well, for me it wouldn't make much difference.

But what about for _Haruhi_?

My thoughts escaped my mouth without thinking. "Haruhi, you're at your best when you're cheerful and looking out for others," I said. I didn't often compliment Haruhi ... but it was true.

She flinched back in surprise, eyes widening. "Wha... W...well, a leader must do her best!" she replied, off balance, but seeming pleased despite that. "Of _course_ I have to keep my spirits up! And when you're down and gloomy, you shouldn't be forcing me to pick up the slack!"

That ... was not the reaction I was hoping for. I didn't mind her being positive ... really, it was something about her that was a tremendous strength! But even so ... there had to be room for her to accept things being beyond mortal control.

Or, maybe I was overthinking it! After all, the treatment I was in isolation for could cure me entirely, couldn't it?

"I'll try my best, then," I sighed in answer. The smile she had behind the mask made me bite my tongue instead of trying to push the point further. There was still time, after all.

"You'd better!" she insisted, bouncing to her feet. A knock sounded at the door, and we both turned in surprise.

The nurse opened it and peeked in. "We need to limit visiting hours while he's in isolation," she said apologetically.

"O...oh," Haruhi faltered, before firming her resolve. "Well- That's fine! Just get better soon so we can visit more, Kyon! And then recover so you can resume your rightful place in the club!"

I spread my hands in a helpless shrug as she nodded decisively before turning away.

What else could I do?


	5. chapter four

memento mori

a suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu fanfic

by brian randall

disclaimer: the light novel series begun with 'the melancholy of suzumiya haruhi'/'suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu' is the property of tanigawa nagaru and is used here without permission. no disrespect is meant with the posting of this story.

note: ignores one particular scene in novel 11, and may contain spoilers up to that point. this is a less than happy story, though it will strive to be as uplifting as it can, considering what it's about. hopefully the ending is positive, but it's generally a very sad story, and some of your favorite characters may have to suffer ... because that's the nature of life, isn't it? so make the most of what you've got. what else can you really do?

* * *

Even though my visiting time was limited, it wasn't cut off entirely. While I had the impression that Haruhi would have happily monopolized it to keep me buried in make-up work or Brigade activities, she wasn't about to fight my parents when they wanted to talk to me.

There wasn't much to say, though.

My father's grave expression told me that he - like me - had come to grips with the worst possibility. I wouldn't want to give the wrong impression! He was a good father to me - the best I'd known! Well, also the only one, but that's not the point. I sensed in some ways, his resignation wasn't that he was giving up on me, as much as he knew he had to be ready to be there to support my sister and my mother.

I had no qualms with that.

In any case, I spent the better part of an hour chatting with him. We talked about a few things - vacation plans, the house ... my sister a bit. We joked about me learning to drive ... he got something in his eyes when he promised that he'd teach me as soon as I was out of the hospital.

It was a nice thought. A fine prize for recovering from this experience!

...except, I could tell that deep down, neither of us expected it to happen. I got something in my eyes, too...

After that my mother and sister visited for a while, too. My sister was firmly in Haruhi's court, stubbornly rejecting any possibility I wouldn't recover. Two sides of the coin, her and my father.

That was my fault, wasn't it? For asking Haruhi to help cheer my sister up? Well ... sometimes it was easier to have strength for other people. If I could ease Haruhi into the mindset of accepting things ... then hopefully she could pass that on to my sister.

What depressing thoughts!

My mother was torn, not sure what to think- Even though it wasn't much spoken of, I could see her struggling, trying to cling to the optimism that Haruhi and my sister carried.

My final visitor of the day, after my family had gone, was Yamada-sensei.

"How are you feeling, Kyon-kun?" he asked, stepping back into the room, clipboard in hand.

"I've been better," I answered dryly.

He offered a pained smile behind his mask and nodded, hefting another bag of fluid for the IV.

"Well ... we're still trying this medication, but so far it doesn't seem to have much of an impact on your immune system. We're now going to up the dosage a bit and see if that helps."

As much as I had been bracing myself, that still hurt.

"No good?" I wondered.

He shook his head. "It _may_ be too early to really tell," he answered. "We only just started last night."

I was becoming perhaps a bit too familiar with Yamada-sensei. "But?" I prompted him, as he changed bags of solution around.

He flinched, heaving a pained sigh. "It's... It's no good telling you anything but the truth," he admitted, shaking his head and sinking into the guest chair. I supposed that it had to be hard on him, too. "And the truth of the matter is ... it's not looking very good, Kyon-kun."

I felt drowsy from the medication before. I didn't know if the increased dosage would take effect instantly or over hours, but I struggled to remain awake. "Well... The treatment is supposed to lower my white blood cell count?"

"Among other things," he agreed. "It's basically supposed to tell your body that your immune system is in overdrive and it needs to throttle back."

I didn't have a lot of confidence in that, considering how the immunoglobulin didn't work.

"And ... it could be related to whatever's causing your condition, but _so_ far ... your immune system seems to be ignoring it."

"If ... it doesn't work, what next?" I asked.

Yamada-sensei heaved an unsteady sigh. "Your brain and nervous system shut down," he answered. "Your memory centers, your speech center, everything you use to process information and think... Eventually, even the part of the brain that regulates breathing will stop working. You'll continue to be perfectly physically healthy, but..."

"...but brain-dead," I supplied. I impressed myself a bit by saying it so flatly! To be honest, it terrified me more than facing an alien. I hoped it would actually be fast - I didn't want to feel my mind slipping away as my brain effectively died. What a horrible sensation _that_ would be!

"Yes," he answered softly.

"And if the treatment isn't working, then ... how long?"

"The, uh... The progress we've observed via MRI is ... quite honestly, astounding," he said slowly. "From this point, we expect your entire nervous system outside of the brain to stop working in less than a week. From there ... even though it either hasn't affected your memory, or you've adapted around it..." He hesitated, doing some mental calculations. "Another day or two at best."

Would I care at that point? I'd be a vegetable. If I lost the ability to register all sensation...

So, barring a miracle, I had a week to live.

"If ... that happens," I mumbled, fighting off exhaustion. "Then can I come out of isolation?"

Yamada-sensei startled, and I thought he might have choked back a laugh. "I'd rather try medication in increasing dosage for a day or two ... but if by that point your immune system hasn't slowed down, then there wouldn't be much of a point to isolation."

I nodded. "...great," I managed to get out, before sleep or medication overtook me.

* * *

I slept even longer the next day, waking up to do some tests. A side-effect of the medication, evidently. I woke up in time to deal with the same doctor evaluating my cognitive and memory abilities. I _felt_ I was doing just as well, but my toes were still numb. The nurse who came in to check on me following the tests remarked that it was just as well I was using the IV and didn't need to eat anymore, and took another blood sample.

I dozed again after that, waking up when Haruhi shook my shoulders gently.

Though, the fact that a mere shake of my shoulders was able to wake me was a surprise itself.

"You need your rest to heal, so it's forgivable," she said, as my eyes opened. She nodded and put her hands on her hips, stepping back and looking down at me. "I'll forgive it, but I can only spend so long looking at your sleeping face!"

"What did you draw?" I wondered. How long had she waited, if she waited at all? "Was the marker allowed into isolation with me?"

She sputtered and snorted behind the mask before shaking her head furiously. "Always joking around," she muttered. "A...anyway, how are you feeling?"

"Tired," I admitted. "The medication's pretty strong." I spent a few minutes working with the controls to raise the bed, realizing I'd slurred what I meant to say.

Was that the speech center in my brain shutting down? Or maybe the nerves connecting my tongue and voice box to my brain? Who knew... Unpleasant thought, though; it made me grimace.

"Would you like some water?" Haruhi asked quickly, catching my expression.

"Sure," I agreed. There was a pitcher and a cup by my bedside, so she poured me a drink.

"Drink it slowly!" she instructed, passing it over to me.

Speed didn't much matter. And I was getting enough liquid through the IV for the moment. I managed a few sips, but it tasted like a mouthful of one yen coins - something I hadn't stuck in my mouth since I was very, very small. Still, I moistened my lips, and Haruhi looked satisfied with her efforts.

"How are the others doing?" I wondered.

"Eh- Same as usual," she answered, pacing back and forth. "Yuki seems okay, I guess, Koizumi-kun looks stressed constantly ... well, Mikuru-chan has calmed down a little, which is good. You need to come back!"

"The Brigade is stronger than that," I told her, clumsily rubbing at one eye. "I'll try and get better ... but it'd be okay without me."

"I told you to never joke about that!" Haruhi snapped at me, glaring at me between the surgical cap her hair was tucked into and the mask over her mouth. "That is _not funny_, Kyon!"

This time, I wasn't joking, though.

"_Anyway_- How long until they can tell that the new treatment is helping you?" she demanded.

"Tomorrow," I answered with a sigh. "Or maybe even later today."

Haruhi nodded. "Good! It's no good seeing you here for so long - the sooner you can get out, the better!"

"I have a serious question for you, though," I mumbled.

"Well, spit it out, then!" Haruhi demanded, looking at me expectantly.

"What if this treatment doesn't work?"

She glowered at me, eyes flashing with anger, and behind that... Behind that was something else - something I could not identify in Haruhi's eyes. "It _will_ work, and you _will_ get better!" Haruhi choked out, stomping one foot angrily. "It's _not_ funny when you joke about that, Kyon! So stop it, or else I will- I'll..."

Though it's rare for someone like me to see these things clearly, I understood her position. She was trapped between saying something that a part of her thought she'd regret if she said, or keeping up the mask she was hiding behind.

"Well, what if I apologize first?" I asked.

"Good!" was her emphatic response. "A...anyway... I'm going to let you rest... Tomorrow, I will bring everyone, and we will visit in turns- Though, I'd better supervise you with Mikuru-chan!"

I'm not the one who needs to be supervised around her, Haruhi.

"I mean, she might trip over a cord or something!"

Of course...

"Anyway - rest up, and look forward to it! You've got a lot of Brigade members to apologize to for taking so long to get better!"

With that, she marched to the door, though she froze as though a high level wizard had cast a stun spell when her hand was on the knob. For a minute, she stared at it, seemingly struggling with some internal weight before finally being able to twist the handle and step through ... though not without an unreadable backward glance at me.

What did that mean? Before I could puzzle it out, my mother and sister stepped into the room. Was that the real reason Haruhi had cut her visit short?

"Kyon-kun!" my sister cried, restrained from charging over and glomping onto me only by my mother's quick reflexes. "Are you better yet?"

I bit back a sigh and shook my head slowly.

* * *

I wish I could have said more happened in that time, but I spent most of it unconscious. The next morning, I was woken up for the anticipated mental acuity tests, and then Yamada-sensei came back to discuss my treatment.

I had been prepared for it - been _trying_ to prepare myself for it, at least.

Even so, the prognosis made me shiver and want to huddle up and cry.

"The immunosuppressants aren't helping," he said flatly. He sounded exhausted and ragged - a man who had tried everything within his power and still fallen short. "Your immune system isn't reacting as anticipated. At this point, we have two options."

Options? I didn't know about this! "What are they?" I demanded.

"We can ... either increase the dosage, which will run the risks of permanent side-effects from the immunosuppressants, or stop treatment entirely."

"Increased dosage?" How would that help? It already seemed it wasn't working.

"If ... we increase the dosage, it _might_ offset the degradation. The side-effects of this would be ... risk of permanent damage to your renal system, possible permanent immune system deficiency, and liver damage ... though that last one is minor. The most significant factor is that if we increase your dosage to that level, you will effectively be in a medically induced coma," he explained frankly.

...so that was it. "Spend the rest of my life as a vegetable now, or spend the time I have left aware of my surroundings?" I hazarded. Well, before I _became_ a vegetable anyway.

"...yes. I- I'm ... sorry Kyon-kun. I don't ... know what else to say," he sighed.

Part of me wanted to laugh at him - to ask him what business _he_ had being upset. _He_ wasn't the one who was dying! Part of me was indifferent, absorbed with my own plight. I couldn't dredge up any words of consolation for him, but I kept my frustration to myself.

I didn't need to think about it long. My heart hammered unsteadily, but there wasn't much reason to wait. The best I could hope for was to be preserved as a vegetable for possibly _years_ before a cure - if one could be developed - could be uncovered?

"I want to be awake."

He nodded his understanding and disconnected the almost entirely drained pack of medicine from the collection of IVs on the stand.

"How long until I can come out of isolation?" I added.

He shrugged glumly. "There's no reason to wait," he admitted. "Your immune system so far hasn't even been slowed down."

Thanks to that, I got to have all of the IVs removed, except the one for nutrition, which I was going to stay on for the rest of the night - everything tasted like metal to me, still. Then I was loaded up into a wheelchair, as my ankles no longer had any sensation, and I couldn't control my feet well.

Once I was back in the same room I had started out in, with only a lone IV in my arm, I dozed to sleep off the remaining medication in my system.

* * *

I woke up to Haruhi's bright eyes staring down at me as she shook me awake - less gently than the previous time.

"What..." I started, before remembering. She wasted no time, grabbing the control for the bed and raising it even as I finished waking.

Behind her were the rest of the Brigade. Nagato's expression was unreadable as always. Koizumi looked like he was struggling to keep a stoic demeanor. Asahina-san could have been switched with a timid creature like a kitten or a bunny, wide-eyed and hopeful, but also seeming ready to bolt in a heartbeat - an instant away from panic.

Haruhi put her hands on her hips and stared at me, grinning. "I _knew_ you were going to get better," she said with satisfaction, nodding. "You've got quite the penalty for worrying us so much!"

"You haven't talked to the doctor yet?" I realized belatedly.

"No ... why?" Haruhi asked, narrowing her eyes. "Are you going to need some other treatment or medication now? A specialized regime of training or diet?"

"I'm pretty sure I can eat whatever I want, now," I answered without thinking. Though, last I checked, everything still tasted unpleasant, anyway.

"Good!" Haruhi said brightly. "I'll bring you some home-cooked soup again tomorrow, and we'll have you on your feet and working off your penalties in no time!"

I shook my head slowly. "Haruhi ... I should explain everything. Um, let's see..." She stared at me, her smile vanishing.

"You still have homework to do, too," she added quickly.

I rubbed one hand on my forehead and turned to Koizumi. I probably could have been more diplomatic, but I said, "I need to talk to Haruhi alone for a while."

She flinched at that, then glowered as Koizumi nodded and quickly trooped out of the room with the others. "Well?" she demanded, almost growling, once we were alone. Asahina-san gave me one last hopeful and worried look before vanishing, and Nagato paused to look back at me, as well.

"Haruhi, sit down, won't you?" I asked.

"You're not the Brigade chief, so don't try and order me around!" she snapped. "Now, spit it out!"

I sighed. This wasn't going to be good... "Haruhi," I explained, looking away, unable to meet her eyes. "The treatment didn't work, so we agreed to stop it."

Her jaw worked as her eyes shone wetly, but she said nothing.

"I- I had to choose between being put in a coma, and it possibly not even helping, or being ... awake at the end."

"How- How _could_ you?!" she shrilled, rattling me with her reaction. "You could- We have to try anything we can!" She shook her head, trembling and wavering unsteadily on her feet. "I'll-"

"Haruhi!" I called back, raising my voice enough to break through for a moment as she stared at me. "I wanted to choose this ... so I could see you again - and we could _talk_ ... before... I couldn't just sleep, and never see my friends again before ... the end."

She flinched, teeth clenching as her body tensed up, as though preparing to release an explosion.

Before that explosion could arrive, my mother bustled into the room, her face drawn, and my sister in tow behind her. "Kyon-kun!" my sister exclaimed. "Ah! Haru-nee! Kyon-kun is doing better?"

Haruhi deflated and dragged her sleeve across her eyes before muttering a simple, "Excuse me," and... Well, for the first time since I'd met her - possibly the only time in history! - Suzumiya Haruhi ran away.

I wouldn't believe she could be blamed for it.

"Kyon?" my mother asked, staring after her in bewilderment. "What..." She paused, then sighed, seemingly answering her own question before she could even complete it. "Oh," she groaned, tears escaping her eyes as she moved to the side of the bed to grab my hand.

My sister looked between us uncertainly. "But... But Kyon-kun is here, and not in ... eye-sore-ation, right?" she asked anxiously, stumbling over the words. "The immuno-goblins worked?"

"...yeah, for a little while," I answered. "But, Imouto, you see-"

"Kyon-kun would really like some milk," my mother overrode me. "Do you remember where you got it last time? I think if you can find that girl in the hall, she'll help you get it for him!"

"Okay!" my sister exclaimed.

How could my mother be so confident about _that_? I doubted she knew as much about Haruhi as I did!

...but that would not be giving my mother enough credit. My sister dashed into the hall, and before the door closed, she exclaimed, "Ah! Haru-nee..."

The rest, I couldn't hear. But wasn't that enough? Somehow, knowing that Haruhi's flight had stopped in the hall helped soothe me a little after all.

* * *

When my sister returned, she brought my father with her. My parents didn't know how to break things to my sister ... so they didn't. Even though _we_ all knew what was going on, they decided to put off explaining things to her. Well, one hurdle at a time, I supposed. Enough of a task to force a smile and drink the milk. It still tasted _off_, but not as badly as everything else had before.

The visit was a bit awkward thanks to that, since I had to put up a front for my sister. It was _still_ time with my family, though, and I wouldn't have traded it for much.

Eventually, enough was enough, and as I was drowsing, they agreed to leave for the day.

My mother had some lingering thoughts as she stepped through the doorway. I could see because she hesitated and turned, and seemed about to say something ... but at the end, she shook her head and smiled. We had already said 'goodbye,' so that seemed the end of it.

I was still thinking of Haruhi, though. Would I get another chance to talk to her? Was Koizumi working as hard as he could to keep rampaging shinjin in check? Had she and my sister talked?

Even though I was tired, I couldn't sleep yet.

And just as well, because only a minute after my family had gone, Haruhi crept through the doorway, staring at her feet and stopping at the foot of the bed.

I didn't know what to say, yet. "Y...you have to get better," she finally managed, sounding miserable and ... drained. I'd never heard Haruhi sound so ... _defeated_, before.

"I want to get better, too," I agreed. "But ... unless some miracle happens-"

"But maybe it can!" she exclaimed, standing upright and staring me in the eyes- Her expression was a bit wild, and my heart skipped a beat. "We- We could find someone from a shrine, maybe with a phenomenal power to heal! Or - maybe we can just cryogenically freeze you until someone discovers a cure! Or, or maybe we can just make a thousand paper cranes and get a wish!"

Could those ideas _really_ surpass Haruhi's reasonability? What was the right answer, here? I felt unsteady - on the verge of a precipice. It wasn't my sense of flawed balance coming back, though.

Thinking about it, more than just trying to _use_ Haruhi, as Koizumi had suggested, before the idea became disturbing to both of us... In a way, it was almost Haruhi trying to offer that ability to cheat subconsciously. If I agreed that she could find such a healer, I expected that she would - and suddenly the world would have a supernatural healer. Haruhi's rationality might accept it, but then, her curiosity would have to demand that she investigate it ... and where would that stop?

Likewise, if I said that I could be frozen, she'd somehow find someone who could perform the procedure on me. Likely within hours, if not even faster. And for the last...

"If such a healer existed, they would find their way here on their own if I were worthy, wouldn't they? Freezing me ... that would be nice, but if people with a lot more money and connections than I haven't had that done yet, such a thing isn't ready for humans," I countered. "And even if it _did_ work, how long until they actually _had_ a cure?"

Haruhi's eyes began to water, as the wild gleam faded.

I felt as miserable as she looked to have extinguished that spark.

"But ... the cranes," she tried weakly.

If you fold a thousand paper cranes, you get a wish, huh? That was the story of Sadako-chan ... Sasaki Sadako, that is. She was a survivor of Hiroshima. She was sickened and dying of leukemia from the radiation, and the story was that if she could make the cranes, she'd get a wish. Her wish was simply to live.

But Haruhi obviously knew how that story ended. Six hundred and forty four cranes were completed before Sadako-chan became too weak to fold more.

Then again... Then again, after she was done, her friends and family finished the remaining cranes, and they were buried with her. At the statue in Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park, offerings of paper cranes were frequently made and hung in her memory. If I told Haruhi I believed we could do it, she'd have the entire Brigade on paper-crane-folding duty.

I could envision it. Koizumi, working at a steady clip, producing crane after crane methodically. Haruhi's pace faster than his, making a variety of tiny permutations to the fold pattern to keep it from being too boring. Nagato, stamping them out at a speed fit to match Haruhi and Koizumi together. And to one side, working very slowly, and as patiently as she could, Asahina-san, looking cutely proud of each crane she made, even if they might have tiny imperfections, and she'd fret every time.

And when we were done, Haruhi would have the cranes strung up ... and she might believe it, if I told her I did. It might actually work - her crazy power beyond reason, wiping away my condition and restoring me like new.

In the end ... even if it were something that we could argue was a one-time fluke, or a miracle, or a wish that only could be granted because we were in dire need... Well, it would still be giving me a special exception that no one else got to enjoy.

I didn't know what to say for certain, and once again the words slipped out without me thinking. "You might have to finish them for me," I said. "But if that's what you'd like, I can make paper cranes with you until the end."

She flinched back.

"Maybe, my sister could help, too ... I don't think she knows the story of Sadako-chan," I said quietly. "This ... is hard to deal with, but Imouto doesn't understand what's happening yet. I'm sorry to ask this, but I've said you're at your best when you look out for others- So ... when I'm gone, can you help my sister?"

Those words seemed to pierce Haruhi's heart like a bullet; she collapsed, but not before she was able to stagger forward and launch herself at me. As weak and uncoordinated as I was, I was astounded at how light and fragile she felt in my arms. I thought she was going to cry, but I was mistaken.

Her face bowed as she lay half atop me clinging to my torso with her face buried in my chest, she sounded as though she were fighting back. "Stop it," she demanded. "Stop this stupid- I can't... Don't try and be 'manly' and stoic- That act is _bullshit_. I can't _stand_ you pretending this is okay, and we have to accept it without so much as a whimper of protest!"

That ... stung. But I _have_ said that I was poor at lying - just like Haruhi. My skills at deception were poor enough that I couldn't fool many people ... but perhaps I could fool myself. A stoic act? Putting my sister in front of me and saying, 'forget about me, I'm not important'?

I had told Koizumi I was afraid. That wasn't a lie, but there, with Haruhi hanging onto me... How long had it been since I'd had something so comforting? My _own_ facade, the one I hadn't even realized I was maintaining crumbled.

But ... she was right. Life would go on for my sister, and the rest of my family. I was just using that as an excuse to try and avoid dealing with what I had told myself I was embracing.

So there _was_ one person I could fool after all.

My eyes teared as I heaved for breath.

"I'm sorry," I managed, before heaving a sob. I didn't _say_ anything. What _was_ there to say, anyway?

I was going to die - and soon. It hurt. I was scared ... I was depressed. And I couldn't really play the card that I was some sort of hero, handling it in a stoic and noble fashion for Haruhi's benefit. I wasn't even going to live to be twenty? I was going to die before graduating high-school- What was the upside of that?

I still _accepted_ it. That part wasn't going to go away. But Haruhi broke a floodgate to let something out I didn't even know I was dealing with.

"It's okay," Haruhi soothed me, between her own tears, shifting about to sit up on the bed and pulling me close. I hugged her back, soaking her blouse even as drops of moisture dripped through my own hair. "It's okay..."

She always had been the stronger one between us.

Some time later ... I couldn't imagine how long, we had both let all the tears we had in us out. "I'm ... not ready to let you go yet," she mumbled, shifting around and still clinging to me. "I... I never got to say..."

She trailed off.

I had spent enough time pretending certain things weren't obvious to me. Even I had some feeble powers of observation... Was there much of a point in carrying the charade on? I guessed there wasn't - the best it could do was leave Haruhi with regret.

So, being honest, I said, "I... Even if it's pointless ... if it's with _you_ ... I wouldn't mind making cranes."

She stiffened briefly, then relaxed, ducking her head again.

It wasn't spoken as plainly as it could have been ... but for us, it was probably enough. She shifted about again, then asked, "How... How well are you still working?"

What kind of question _was_ that, even? "I've lost hearing in my right ear, and sensation in both feet," I answered. "Other than that ... so far it seems fine."

She sat back up on her knees to my side, still looking away. I had no idea what she had in mind.

"C...can you..." she started before deflating. "I-" She cut herself off.

"What's this about, anyway?" I wondered.

"W...we might ... never get another chance like this," she mumbled. "And I don't want to regret ... _not_ doing this, s...so..."

So _what_?

She took a deep breath to steel herself, then shifted again, rising onto her knees and sliding to straddle my legs. Before I could protest, she raised her hands to her hair, pulling her ribbon out. In just a few moments, she had transformed her hairstyle, putting it back in a ponytail.

What was she planning? I didn't manage to ask, just admiring the view, as she surprised me again by leaning close and pressing her lips to mine.

Even though we both still had tear-stains on our cheeks...

We kissed for a long moment, and when she broke it, she reached for the ribbon on her school uniform blouse. "W...wait," I protested. "Haruhi, what-"

A fingertip against my lips paused me. "If... If you don't ... want to, then okay," she said quietly, staring me in the eyes. "But I ... want this- Want ... to give it to you, before..."

There was ... more after that.

But that ... was for Haruhi and myself, and not to be shared.

Sorry about that.

* * *

The hospital bed was fairly cramped with just the two of us, but it wasn't something I was actually going to complain about. Though it was probably the sort of thing it should be embarrassing to admit, Haruhi managed to find a way to instill a sense of calm in me that I wouldn't have believed possible beforehand.

Well, not to dwell on that.

I was right, and Haruhi _was_ more able to deal with it than Koizumi's allies had feared. At the same time... I couldn't have just had the experience with Haruhi that I had, and left her with such a bleak stance on things. Her eyes were closed, but I didn't think she was sleeping.

"Haruhi," I said quietly.

"Hmm?" she answered, eyes drifting open.

"This world ... has more wonderful things in it than you know."

She blinked at me, the tiredness vanishing from her gaze as she focused on me. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying ... I don't want to see you get distracted from your goals, you know?"

She huffed, scowling, and turned her face to look upward. "I...if you're not in the Brigade anymore, what's the _point_? I wanted the two of us to discover something amazing together, because..." She trailed off and then sighed. "We'll still be friends, but-"

I didn't want to hear her say something like changing her goals just because I wasn't there. I wanted to see Haruhi be the person she wanted to be, not just the person she had to _accept_ being. I'd already broken her down enough, hadn't I?

"Even if you change _how_ you do it, there's no reason to give up entirely," I insisted. "You know ... you will some day be able to have earnest, friendly conversations with an alien, an esper, and a time traveler."

Her eyes flashed to mine, and then away. "It's hard to keep chasing the goal I founded the Brigade for if you aren't going to be there," she said quietly.

"I'm just saying you don't need to give up," I told her. "Even if it's very friendly, now, the Brigade is supposed to be about trying to uncover the mysteries of the world, isn't it?"

"I thought you hated that," Haruhi said quietly.

"Well ... the searching, no... Maybe the _way_ you did it - sometimes I thought you were a bit unreasonable, but I know you're a good person at the heart of it." I had a sudden thought, and added, "Really ... I'm going to be investigating one specific mystery before the rest of you - for once, it's the rest of the Brigade that has to catch up with me!"

She started, then snorted, shaking her head. "Dummy," she muttered, eyes glistening. "But ... where am I even supposed to start searching? If you're gone..."

"Well, worry about the rest of the Brigade ... and I expect that if you're patient, it will just come to you."

"Just like that?" she asked doubtfully, even though a melancholy smile curved her lips.

I nodded. "Just like that," I agreed. "As long as you work with the Brigade-" She hushed me by breaking away and pressing a fingertip to my lips.

"I'd rather not ... lose you. But alright," she said. "Even so ... they'll be there later. Right now ... I just want to be with you."

I probably could have pressed further. I could have worded things to give her a positive impression of those she was looking for. I could have spilled _everything_. I could have...

But in the end, I realized I trusted her enough with that.

So ... with Haruhi in my arms, and hers around me, I faded off to sleep.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, I was alone. Perhaps as a reminder to me that it wasn't just a dream, Haruhi had left her ribbon tied around my wrist. I stared at it, thinking about the previous night as the nurse came in. "Feeling well?" she asked me kindly.

I answered that I was feeling well enough. I wondered where Haruhi had gone, but she had more sense than I did. Undoubtedly, questions would have been raised if she had been caught in such a position.

The typical battery of tests came at me afterward. I ran my fingers over the ribbon that Haruhi had left me with as the same female doctor asked me questions.

"So, do you remember the three words I gave you last time?" she started.

What had the last three words been again? "Ball..." I answered, before trailing off. I was _certain_ I had put special effort into remembering all three words, but the second one was just a blank. "I... I forget the second one," I admitted. "The third was ... blue, right?"

She pursed her lips and wrote something on her clipboard. "Today - see if you can remember... Triangle, flower, candle. Okay?"

Triangle, flower, candle. Simple enough. The other questions about things I could remember and logic puzzles should have been familiar, but there were just ... _spots_ where everything was harder to puzzle out, or the information I was looking for simply didn't come to mind. It was frustrating ... I was _certain_ it was taking longer than it usually did, as well.

Finally, she concluded, "Kyon-kun, do you remember the three words I asked you to remember earlier?"

This shouldn't have been too hard. "They... They were ... ball ... triangle ... and flower?" I tried.

Of course, she never really told me I was right or wrong, just nodded and made a note. She spent a long minute after that, staring at the clipboard before sighing softly. "Thank you for your time, Kyon-kun. I ... will confer with Yamada-sensei for a bit."

"...sure," I agreed.

So, was that it? The loss of function I had been told to look forward? Speech had already become more of a trial as it was harder and harder to pronounce things ... but holes in my memory and ability to puzzle things through...

I didn't particularly want to deal with it. I was ready for the end, but that slow slide... That was more terrifying than being stabbed - I knew that with certainty.

Before I could let myself build into a crippling depression, Yamada-sensei dropped by again, giving me a wan smile - seemingly relieved to be out of scrubs, even if he still seemed pained.

"What brings you by?" I wondered. Not that I resented his presence; he'd worked as hard as he could to try and save me, after all. But I couldn't remember any particular reason for him to come by ... unless there was another MRI to look forward to!

He gave a small shake of his head and asked, "I want to know if there's anything I can do for you, Kyon-kun. Anything ... you might want."

There really wasn't much I could ask for. I couldn't walk without using a walker, thanks to my unresponsive feet. That ruled out anything like 'hit a home run in Koushien stadium' - though that specifically wasn't on my list. Thanks to Haruhi and the Brigade, if I wanted to watch a movie or something, I knew Haruhi could make it happen.

I couldn't really think of anything selfish to ask for. Then again, there was only so far that the entire idea could go before...

But I realized there was _one_ good thing I could ask for. "When ... my neural degradation is complete, I'll just be a vegetable kept alive by machines, right?" I asked.

Yamada-sensei flinched, but nodded. "That's right," he agreed quietly.

"I hadn't thought to do it before ... but in such a case, can I donate my organs? You said I was otherwise healthy, so ... I'd like to think I could help others in that way. I'll be gone, but they will still be around, won't they?"

He groaned, bowing his head. "Un...fortunately," he said slowly, "because of the medications we treated you with, that might not work. More importantly, we don't ... have a strong understanding of your condition. While it's probably a very small chance, anyone who received your organs could be at risk. We ... simply can't afford that risk, considering things."

I felt morose at that, deflating a bit.

"B...but," he said, straightening up, "if you want to help others, that's not outside the realm of possibility. _Because_ your condition is not understood yet, if you like ... you can leave your remains to science, in the hopes that by understanding your condition better, some future patient can benefit from what we learn."

Well, that wasn't an awful exchange. "That sounds alright," I decided. "Hmm, does that mean if this is a previously unknown disease, it might be named after me?"

He stared, jaw dropping open, before I let a grin slip out. Why not?

Chuckling, then building into full scale laughter, he shook his head. "Alright," he agreed. "I'll do my best to make sure that happens. If you do have something never seen before at all, it will be named 'Kyon's Syndrome'."

I should have figured.

Still, it had been too long since I felt a light mood, so I decided to let it pass.

"Thanks, Sensei," I said.

"If there's anything else though, don't hesitate to let me know," he insisted.

* * *

Haruhi returned, unsurprisingly, with a covered bowl of soup in hand. The nutrition IV had already been removed, and food didn't taste _as_ bad anymore. Her cooking was actually quite good, and I had little reason to complain. She managed to keep up a cheerful front, despite my difficulty speaking clearly, or the general slowness that seemed to be overtaking my ability to think.

Koizumi was still stoic. Nagato was ... well ... Nagato. Asahina-san looked dazed and unbelieving, but didn't cry - just the occasional soft sniffle or whimper. I wished I could bring the light mood I had shared with Yamada-sensei to the others ... but I had realized that they needed to make their own peace as well.

I was there, in the meantime, but what was there to say?

Haruhi chased everyone else away, once my family came by, then offered to take my sister aside for a bit.

So, it was thanks to her that I got to speak with my family. The weight that Haruhi had helped take off my chest was a positive thing- Thanks to that, I was able to keep a positive attitude, even when my father's demeanor cracked, and he broke down, too.

By the time my sister returned with Haruhi, his gruff mask was back in place, just in time to be a comforting presence with my mother when my little sister said her own goodbye.

I bit my tongue and said nothing about it to them, even though it was bothering me. From shortly after my discussion with Yamada-sensei, my vision had begun to fade in my right eye. By the time my parents bid farewell, I'd gone completely blind in it.

I didn't have to deal with it alone, though. Even if Haruhi left with my parents, by the time I should have been sleeping, Haruhi crept back into the room - and the bed with me again.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.

I decided not to mention the blindness. I still had one working eye, after all. "Numbness is spreading," I admitted. My speech had become worse as the day progressed, too. "But I'm okay."

She gave me a pained smile and hugged me tightly again.

Much to my surprise, she seemed to doze off instantly.

Well ... if I were to lose my sight, there were much, much worse final visions than Suzumiya Haruhi's sleeping face. I settled down to watch her, wondering when my awareness would fade.

"She's so cute, isn't she?" someone asked from behind me. I started, but couldn't move without shifting Haruhi - possibly spilling her out of the bed.

"What?" I managed.

There was a pained, forced giggle as the speaker walked around the bed. Asahina-san's older self leaned over Haruhi's form, smiling with a look of fond remembrance. Looking up at me, Asahina-san added, "But ... you're cute, too, like this."

I had no idea what to say. I was too worn out to be embarrassed about the situation, though I probably should have been. Emotionally, I just didn't have the energy for it.

"Kyon-kun," she said quietly, looking up at me. "Um... As ... you probably can imagine, I've made some unreasonable requests for various purposes. A...and ... this is difficult. I know what your goal here is, and I want ... to help you with it."

"What do you mean?" Which goal? Haruhi didn't _really_ seem to need my help coping with things; she was stronger than Koizumi or I gave her proper credit. Was it ... that some day my condition _would_ have a cure?

"B...because of your condition, there is no technology in this time to treat you," she explained. "And we can't change the time-stream, either. But... But if we take you into the future, and leave a clone behind - like you in every way except mentally, then - then you can accomplish what you want and live on!"

What the hell? Wasn't that just a plot right out of one of my favorite video games?

"Isn't it forbidden to bring equipment through time?" I wondered.

"W...well, yes, which is why I'd bring you with me - and the clone-"

"No, wait, even before that ... why are you giving me this chance?" I had guessed that if she hadn't woken yet, Haruhi wasn't going to.

"I... I want to some day be the Mikuru who saves Kyon," she answered, head bowed. "And if not _now_, despite all the good that your decision here does... Then _when_?"

...I didn't like the thought of Asahina-san carrying a burden of guilt into her older self. I suddenly realized in a painful flash of insight just _why_ she might have been able to be so seemingly cruel to her past self. I had never looked at her actions through the lens of considering that to her older self ... well... To _her_ I'd been dead for a while!

On the _other_ hand, regardless of what I chose, Asahina-san's past self still would need to bear that burden until she became the self that was in front of me.

On the _gripping_ hand ... I'd already resolved to take the cards that I was dealt. What answer would I possibly give while Haruhi's slumbering form was still grabbed onto me?

"You... You know, you already did save me?" I realized aloud.

She looked confused. "H...how?" she wondered, before her eyes widened. "Oh, no! Did I already visit you early today? You can't be the clone - it wouldn't have any memories! But I didn't change the good you've done-" She froze before she could say anything else and simply stared at me beseechingly.

"Do you remember the message you gave me that time you showed me your mole?" I asked, unable to keep from smiling at that memory.

"Y...yes..." she answered cautiously.

"Well ... that was the clue I needed for something that came up not long after," I said, shifting my shoulders a tiny bit, not able to really shrug. "Other than that ... with Nagato's help, you saved me again with that bit with the other reality, and the time quake."

She deflated, slouching a bit. "That's ... not what I meant..."

"But it's true," I insisted. "Asahina-san, you've done enough. I'm very glad that you _did_ save me when you had. And ... I had any other number of great memories with you and the others, too. So don't think you haven't saved me. Instead, let me thank you for what you've done!"

Sniffling, she shook her head, managing a smile. "I knew you wouldn't come with me," she sighed. "Somehow ... I'm certain the fact that you would say 'no' is the only reason they let me come back to see you ... one last time. I still wish there was something I could do..."

"Well, you already have," I said. "I won't ask for more, but ... you let me know that something good came out of this after all. It's really hard to ask for more than that, isn't it?"

She fidgeted a moment before her eyes went wide. "Oh!" she exclaimed, hands going to her skirt pockets. When she found nothing, they moved to her chest... Somehow, I tried to look away, but not before she pulled a picture from one of her shirt pockets.

"Here," she said, turning on the bedside lamp.

I blinked at the picture. A little girl, maybe ... twelve or thirteen? She had short brown hair with curled tips, and a charming smile. I couldn't really place the period, but it could have been from the modern day ... or maybe even Asahina-san's own time.

"Who's this?" I wondered. She seemed ... _very_ familiar, though I couldn't quite place her.

"I already said something I shouldn't have ... so I'll tell you that is someone you made life possible for," Asahina-san declared.

I had to admit ... the thought that I had somehow managed to save at least one life... I could understand why Asahina-san wanted to feel that!

"Thank you, Asahina-san," I said gravely, as she nodded and tucked the photograph away. I still didn't want to cheat ... but that little spoiler was something I could live with - it didn't change my course of actions, anyway.

"Thank _you_, Kyon-kun," she countered, giving a small shake of her head and smiling. She hesitated a moment, then stunned me as she leaned forward and planted a gentle, sisterly kiss on Haruhi's forehead, and carefully brushed a few loose strands of hair from her face. "And thank you too, Suzumiya-san, for taking such good care of him."

Haruhi shifted in her sleep, almost as though trying to dismiss the gratitude: "It's nothing!" I could imagine her saying.

"You two ... rest well!" Asahina-san concluded, sounding as though she were fighting back tears as she quickly stepped out of my line of sight.

After that ... I was so tired, I dropped instantly to sleep myself. Or maybe it was the degeneration, and I simply lost awareness.

* * *

When my eyes drifted open again, I was in a strange version of the same room. The walls were sterile white, and the omnipresent light seemed sourceless. All of the features and furnishings seemed simplified- I could tell immediately that things were different.

Both my eyes worked, and when I tried to wiggle my toes, I could feel them. My head felt _clearer_ than it had over the last few days, too.

There was no window - just a white panel, and...

"Where am I?" I asked aloud, looking around.

Nagato was at my side - not appearing abruptly, but filtering in as though she had always been there, and I only just noticed her.

"This is not a real place," she answered quietly. "It is a symbolic representation that your awareness is connected to."

"So ... like ... a dream?" I asked.

Nagato nodded.

"But it's not really a dream?"

"No," she answered softly. "The progression of dysmyelination has had significant impact on your functionality. Your system reacted to the lack of immunosupressants and attempted to make up a percieved lack. At this point, without outside assistance, you will not wake up."

...so that was that?

I didn't say anything, and after a while ... I couldn't have guessed how long ... Nagato spoke again.

"Currently, emulation of myelin throughout your system allows us to communicate in this fashion. Without that emulation, your functions will cease."

I thought I could follow some of that, but asked, "So you're keeping me alive?"

She gave a tiny shake of her head.

It clicked for me, then. "So you're letting me keep thinking properly, as long as I stay alive?"

Her tiny nod was my answer.

"Why?"

She blinked, and her almost never-expressive face shifted. If I weren't looking for it, I would have missed the moment of uncertainty. "We are ... friends," she said softly. "I can make the myelin emulation permanent. Records of this entire incident can be purged and your condition can be restored. Further injuries or conditions can likewise-"

Nagato froze, her speaking halting as precisely as a paused DVD when my hand gently dropped onto the top of her head.

She blinked quietly when I said nothing, just gently ruffling her hair. Her gaze dropped to her feet.

"You will not accept my help," she surmised.

"Nagato ... you have protected me from enemies I never understood, and even yourself when you had a breakdown," I told her, rubbing her head gently again. Her hair was soft and smooth, like tiny silk fibers. "Your abilities are tremendous, and I don't doubt for a second that you can't fix this.

"But ... as I've said, this is the hand I was dealt. I'm willing to accept that hand ... because you _are_ my friend. I don't want to use you or your abilities for my own benefit. I think ... that would be wrong. More importantly ... Nagato, do you enjoy your time here, with your friends? Never mind what those jerk bosses of yours might say - how do _you_ feel?"

"Feel," she echoed back softly.

Another long pause grew, but it felt comfortable - it didn't bother me at all.

Finally, she said, "I like my friends," in a voice that was quiet, even for her. "My time here is ... unique." She paused, blinking, and tilted her head slightly, like a cat angling for a better scratch. "Pleasant," she said slowly, as if tasting the word.

I smiled, giving her one last pat before dropping my hand to my side. "Then ... just like _Haruhi_, I want _you_ to have the chance to live your own life on your own terms. You're more than human, and Haruhi could be, too. But you don't need to cheat to have fun - even doing just what a human can do, you're amazing!"

Her flat response was a simple, "I do not understand."

"You don't have to live by the limitations that ... I've come to accept," I explained. "But really, you use your powers to counter other threats that are on the same level - and otherwise just live in the same world as the rest of us. Isn't that fine?"

She blinked again, giving a slow nod.

"Though," I realized, heaving a sigh, "I don't regret having this chance to talk to you again if I'm already..." I paused. I supposed I wasn't technically _dead_ yet, but if I wasn't going to wake up again, I might as well have been. "I do regret one thing."

Her head rose quickly. Nagato ... after having done so much for me - for the entire Brigade - could you possibly have been wondering if there were still something else?

"I made a promise to take you to the library," I explained with a shrug. "After that ... I did something wrong and stood you up. I wish I hadn't- But I suppose it's too late for that. I'm sorry, Nagato. I wish I had managed to keep that promise to you."

She hesitated a moment, then said, "Myelin emulation will automatically cease once the degeneration is too severe to allow remaining sentience."

I was fairly certain she meant that I would die once my brain stopped working without her help. I took that as her accepting my choice and not forcing the issue.

"...until then, even though this is not 'real' space ... I would like to spend my remaining time with you."

And to be honest, I would be happier if the end were to be a thrown switch instead of a gradual decline. "I'd like that too, Nagato," I agreed.

She offered a hand, and I accepted it, stepping out of the bed- As I did so, the world around us... But it wasn't the real world. It was just an illusion Nagato had put together for us. It dissolved and reformed, and when the pieces were all back in place, we were in the same library where - long ago, it seemed - I had helped Nagato get her library card.

There were light fixtures, but they didn't seem to be doing anything - light was simply there, and as sourceless as it had seemed before, and there were no other people. Nagato pulled me along with her, and I followed until she reached a table with two chairs at it. There was a stack of books to one side, and she released my hand to take one of the seats and pick a title up.

I couldn't help but smile.

I took the other seat, leaning back. What did I want to read? Would I have been content to just wait for the end, admiring Nagato's content face?

I probably would have, but... But then I had a sudden thought. Reading was fine, but I had wanted to make some positive mark. A lasting presence. Some mark that remained - an echo that said, "I was here!"

Maybe I was being greedy - Asahina-san had already told me I _did_ accomplish that. And yet...

"Nagato," I asked, prompting her to look up from the book she had grabbed. "As a friend, will you take care of yourself - and Haruhi - once I'm gone?"

She nodded without hesitation. For once, it didn't seem a tiny, or subtle gesture, but an emphatic one.

"If ... it's not too much, I would like one last thing, though," I said, feeling a bit abashed about it.

She looked at me expectantly, setting her book down..

"Would you let me have some paper and a pencil, so I can write a story of my own? It's ... nothing important, just my thoughts over recent days. Somehow, I'd feel better if I could put them down somewhere ... even if nobody ever read it."

She reached for a stack of paper and a mechanical pencil I would have sworn weren't there before, handing them to me. "May I read it?" she asked quietly.

Would she really want to? I was no one important, after all. But she did love unique things, didn't she? "Of course," I agreed. In fact, thinking about things... "Nagato, it's only something that I would write - but if you like ... then I would be happy for you to keep it once I was gone!" I exclaimed, picking up the pencil.

She trembled faintly, her hands shaking. I looked up in concern - and then felt a moment of profound peace. Nagato was _smiling_. A real, genuine smile ... like I'd always hoped to some day see from her. Who cared what her jerk bosses said? Why should she be stuck by _their_ stupid rules?

Well - her smile was lovely, even if there were tears in her eyes ... but that's life. You take the good with the bad.

And I could tell she knew that.

That was enough - I had nothing left to regret, and one last task to finish before the end came. Giving Nagato one more smile, I began to write. What was it about... Oh, yes. A work that reminds you how fleeting life is, and how important it is to appreciate it.

Imperfect, but good - wabi-sabi. Is that it? Well ... maybe not quite. Close, though.

There was a Latin term that might apply too, wasn't there? What did they call those reminders?

Ah - that's right:

Memento mori.


	6. epilogue

memento mori

a suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu fanfic

by brian randall

disclaimer: the light novel series begun with 'the melancholy of suzumiya haruhi'/'suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu' is the property of tanigawa nagaru and is used here without permission. no disrespect is meant with the posting of this story.

note: ignores one particular scene in novel 11, and may contain spoilers up to that point. this is a less than happy story, though it will strive to be as uplifting as it can, considering what it's about. hopefully the ending is positive, but it's generally a very sad story, and some of your favorite characters may have to suffer ... because that's the nature of life, isn't it? so make the most of what you've got. what else can you really do?

* * *

A lot of people end up growing up without knowing their parents. In my case, even though I had only one real 'mother,' I was raised by so many people, it took me a long time to even figure out that my father wasn't around!

Uncle Itsuki was always there to help us out and give us a hand. I remember getting to be the flower-bearer at his wedding, when I was even smaller - what an extravagant affair! Then there was Auntie Nagato, who always had time to chat with me, or give me books. I sat next to her and behaved quietly when Mom received her diploma. Auntie Mikuru was always happy to spend time with me - unquestionably my closest older friend!

Almost every time she visits, she has a fun new outfit for me. I think it's great, but almost every time she does, Mom rolls her eyes and mutters, "Revenge via proxy, Mikuru-chan?" It's okay, though, because it's that 'smiling grumble' thing where she's not _really_ upset.

And then she takes pictures for our collection!

Anyway, between them and four grandparents, it wasn't until I started going to school that I realized I was missing a father. When it was time for everyone's parents to meet with the teachers, Mom was there, but I noticed most of my friends had two parents with them.

Mitsuki-chan - who I'd just met that day - asked, "Hey, hey - is your father working? Why isn't he here?"

"I have a father?" I wondered. "Hmm, is that Itsuki?" He wouldn't be a bad father! He was taking care of his other family, but still stopped in to spend time with me and Mom, after all.

Mom looked surprised at the question and laughed, shaking her head. "No, Yasumi-chan- Itsuki's just your uncle. Of course you have a father - he just passed away before you were born. Who do you think the picture on the family shrine is of? That's your father!"

I hadn't realized that!

"It's my fault," Mom said, smiling. "I forgot that you'd need to hear who he was first, didn't I?"

So when we got home after class, Mom started telling me about him.

I saw his picture on the shrine, of course... And in the house that I grew up in while Mom was going to college, Dad's parents had more pictures of him. That face had been on the shrine as long as I could remember. It's kind of funny, you know? You see the picture every day and don't really think about it.

I would sit by Mom's side when she would ring the bell and burn incense - and that tradition moved with us when Mom got a new apartment just for us, and again when we moved into our own house. So Mom told me stories of the adventures she had with him - before I was born, of course.

What kind of guy was my father?

The way Mom told it, Dad was a genius philosopher who couldn't be shaken by anything, but still always kept his feet firmly on the ground - and Mom's too, sometimes. He was also the one who gave Mom the idea of studying medicine and neuroscience, though I didn't find that out until much later.

He sounded pretty amazing!

From Auntie Yuki, Dad was a quietly thoughtful person, who spent a lot of time trying to understand other people. She said he helped her get a library card when Auntie Yuki didn't know how they worked. I knew how important that was! Auntie Yuki helped me get my own!

From Auntie Mikuru, Dad was a fierce defender of his friends. He was usually passive, but was unstoppable when motivated. He always appreciated the efforts of other people, and he was braver than anyone else Auntie Mikuru knew - except for Mom.

From Uncle Itsuki, Dad was the most skilled strategy gamer he'd ever met. He could bluff anyone, and see through almost any other guise. He usually let other people lead, but the one time he had to - he was the very first one to solve a critical mystery. That sounded amazing - like a super detective!

After all of that, when I went to ask Auntie Nonoko, she just rolled her eyes and said, "Don't get the wrong idea, Yasumi-chan- Nii-san was my brother, but he was lazy, blunt, and a _legendary_ slacker when it came to his homework. So don't be like him - finish your homework on time and be diligent in your studies - like your mother!"

I was _really_ shocked by that! I had thought he must have been amazing, considering what Mom, the other aunts, and Uncle Itsuki had said!

"Well ... okay," Auntie Nonoko admitted, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. "He actually was pretty amazing most of the time ... I just don't want you to get a wrong impression. He was human like the rest of us ... even if he handled his passing better than most people would be able to! You know - you get some of your strengths from him, too - like that vocabulary that makes you sound older than you really are!"

It's a good thing she said that! But considering what she said and everyone else said, I had to wonder what he was _really_ like. To really, _really_ know ... I'd have to be able to meet him myself, even if only for a little while.

"It's too bad I can't ever meet him," I said to Mom one day at breakfast, not long after we'd moved into our own house.

Even though it was really out of the blue, and I didn't give her any context, Mom got it right away. She just showed me her amused, 'I know something you don't look.'

"You know," she told me seriously, "anything is possible in this world, Yasumi-chan. We may not be able to change the past, but even so..."

"Anything is possible?" I wondered. "So I _could_ meet him some day?"

"Maybe!" she said, smiling brightly. "Miracles can happen - after all, I got _you_!"

What did that mean? When I asked that, Mom blushed and chuckled, shaking her head. "Some day," she assured me. "You might have to find an alien, an esper, and a time traveler first, but it could happen!"

Of course, as I was growing older and looking through the pictures, I started noticing more and more things I'd never puzzled out before. So one evening when Mom was away at another neuroscience conference, and I was staying in the room that Mom and I had shared while she was in college, I asked Dad's parents, "Where are Mom and Dad's wedding pictures?"

Grandpa choked and sputtered, then hid behind his newspaper. Grandma laughed and shook her head. "Oh, dear," she sighed. "Well ... to be honest, Yasumi-chan ... you see... Your mother and Kyon-kun," - which was the name that Grandma and Grandpa called Dad, for some reason- "they ... never actually married."

But that didn't make any sense at all! How could that be? "Then why do we have the same family name?" I asked.

"We adopted your mother before you were born!" Grandma explained. "Don't get the wrong idea ... Kyon-kun was honorable, and wouldn't have tried to abandon you or your mother. The truth of the matter is, we didn't even know you were coming to join us until after he'd passed away. And afterward, when Haruhi-chan came to us and explained that you _were_ coming... Well, she wanted you to have your father's name, and your grandfather and I agreed."

"We," Grandpa explained with a cough, still hiding behind his newspaper, "we agreed to adopt your mother instead of waiting until you came and just adopting you because she didn't want you to have a different family name from her. And even though Kyon-kun wasn't around to appreciate it ... well, if he hadn't passed away, it was a certainty that he and your mother would have been married some day!"

That made me want to meet him even more! I asked Mom about it afterwards, when I was trying on my first middle school uniform - if anything was possible, maybe some day he could come back?

"I can't promise that," Mom told me, her smile fading a little bit. "The order of the world is important, you know! Even if I often wish he had more time with us ... and I miss him greatly ... I believe he was able to pass on without regrets."

"Well, I want to meet him anyway," I declared, crossing my arms over my chest.

Mom chuckled and smoothed my hair down a bit, then paused. "Are you going to do it?" she asked.

"Meet him? If I can, I will!" I agreed.

"Okay!" my mom answered brightly. "In that case, let me give you a good luck charm that helped me greatly when _I_ started middle school."

The smiley-face hair clip she gave me was _too_ cute! I loved it!

"I'm going to try and finish my mission before I finish middle school!" I swore, clenching a fist and posing dramatically, just like Mom taught me you were supposed to.

"You still have to find that alien, esper, and time traveler, first," she warned me, grinning. "I'm sure such people could help teach you more about how important the order of the world really is ... but I think you can do it!"

"Yeah!" I cheered, jumping up and down. This was going to be great!

"Oh, just one thing, Yasumi-chan..." Mom remarked, touching a fingertip to her lip thoughtfully as she stood up straight and looked down at me.

"What's that?" I asked eagerly.

"When you're done, after you've gotten a chance to meet him, you must give that hair clip back - okay?"

Hmm, well anything in this world is possible, huh? Alright! I was sure I could do it! I knew Mom wanted me to look at it as a challenge ... but I wasn't alone. Even if this was something I felt my friends from school might not be able to help with, I knew I could rely on my aunties and uncle!

"Okay!"


End file.
